Tongue In Cheek

The Reign Is Done

2012-01-23T10:22:00.009-05:00

Yes, I've been coming to grips with the end of my year long reign as the County 'Possum Queen and therefore my spokes-queen status for the Canned Pot Bellied Processed 'Possum Products Company.

It was a beautiful run, laced with all the canned and processed opossum I could eat or store for later.

But the memories and the people are the things I'll treasure most. The carnies, the local rednecks, the workers at the 'possum processing plant, the Grand 'Possum Poohbah, the other contestants. Even Berthalynn and all her naysaying criticisms. (Yes, I have all my teeth. You don't. Let it go, already!)

The glamorous events that I made many a special appearance at during my year of 'possum promoting. All the trailer park grand re-openings, the Pork-N-Possum Feeding Trough restaurant chains I made many a 'possum, the other white meat, sorta pitches in. And who can forget my coronation at the Moonshine and Fried 'Possum Carnival?

I was once again there to pass my rhinestone encrusted taxidermied crown to the next generation of County 'Possum Queen. The locals had created a petition of sorts to keep me as the permanent 'Possum Queen of the county. Likening me to their very own Ellie May Clampett, there was a loud protest against the termination of my reign. Though I was extremely flattered by their comparisons, I knew it was time to step down.

After I passed the crown to this year's winner,

Many a redneck needed time alone to collect their thoughts.

Others took time for quiet reflection.

Still others were paralyzed with disbelief that I would actually step down.

Though I'm sad to give up the title, I know it's for the best. Thanks for coming along for the ride with me. And a heartfelt possumy "thank you" to all those who supported me. Cheers!

I know I've Talked About Them Before

2012-01-18T16:00:00.002-05:00

But, I'm a fan. OK Go are a creative bunch of guys.

I love the lines -
Lipstick and Callous and Fishnets and Malice
Oh Darling, you're a million ways to be cruel

I should, I wish I could, maybe if you were, I would, list of standard-issue regrets.
One last 80 proof, slouching in the corner booth.
Baby, it's as good as it gets.

Enjoy!

The Late 2011 T.i.C. Wrap Up

2012-01-11T08:22:00.003-05:00

Here I am, in the second week of 2012, and I still haven't done my wrap up of 2011. Well, I'm here to remedy that right now.

There were so many ludicrous and bizarre happenings around here last year, I don't quite know where to start. Oh yeah, how about at the beginning, hmmm?

January
I let it slip that I still wanted Freezy Freakies. I explained why I loved crappy books, and strange things were heard from the back of the minivan. I also declared B. B. King to be a national treasure.

February
February was a ruthless bitch. The oldest urchin was going through her cat scan and blood tests, and my writing was completely derailed (and I'm not sure I've gotten back to it since). Though in the beginning of the month, I gave a behind the scenes look at the 'Possum Queen selection process and the Moonshine and Fried 'Possum Carnival.

March
In March, I detailed my tour of the local Army Navy Surplus store in our area and admitted to other field trips I wanted to go on. But I had no takers to go with me. Crazy. It was also filled with author interviews. Susan Gourley. Misty Simon. And Natalie Damschroder. They all aced the Sea Monkey S.A.T. portion of the interview. I also enumerated many of the diversified uses of 'Possum.

April
Author interviews continued with Vicky Burkholder and Megan Hart. I was also interviewed as the 'Possum Queen at Sue Gourley's blog. So interviews and other nonsense abounded.

May
I announced my new #1 field trip to go on is to the roller derby. It was my writer's RETREAT!! I shared some very crass Krass Brother's (store of the stars!) commercials I grew up with. And fulfilled my 'Possum Queen duties by plugging 'possum (the second other white meat, sorta) for your Memorial Day BBQ.

June
Besides the usual nonsense, the youngest urchin got nursemaid's elbow, and the oldest urchin contracted Lyme Disease. We'll just move on.

July
Summer re-runs, my latest addiction and The 'Possum Queen swimsuit competition were the highlights.

August
The backyard carny came to town! The second carny report was railroaded by the possibility of a skunk in my cellar.

September
My latest obsession of sideburn art was revealed. And I shared my new discovery of the many uses of taxidermied squirrels.

October
I discussed the three R's at Tongue In Cheek. Writing was only one of them. Rummaging and Ridiculousness were the other two. I also recapped the NJRW's conference.

November
I invented the game of stinkbug chicken and played it with the Man - though he didn't know. I also opened my store, The Angry Villager.

December
I wrote several open letters to the craziness at Chez Quinn. I expressed my desire to stage a coup of my Zumba class.

So there are the highlights of 2011. Some of my greatest hits are in there. Thanks for coming along on the ride. So, what were your greatest 2011 hits?

Go White Girl ! Go White Girl!

2012-01-06T06:31:00.000-05:00

I don't know if you've noticed, but in my profile one of my interests (along with motorcycle riding) is dancing with abandon. This totally qualifies. Go white girl! Get your groove on!

Happy New Year Y'all

2012-01-04T08:27:00.001-05:00

Why I'm Not Here

2011-12-30T21:30:00.003-05:00

My wonderful border collie, Sox, is dying. She's deteriorating every day, but I haven't reached that horrendous edge where having her here is harder than her being gone. It's killing me that I have the power to hold her life in my hands. That one decision from me makes her gone from us forever.

She's the first dog that I've had in my adult life. And the stories I could tell you about how amazing she is will have to wait until the overwhelming ache subsides when I think of her, healthy and out of pain.

So this is where I am, and I wish I weren't. But doesn't everyone when this point comes?

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-24T22:31:00.000-05:00

I Know It's Old, But . . .

2011-12-23T09:28:00.000-05:00

I really needed a laugh today. Enjoy!

Strange Craziness With a Side of Links

2011-12-21T08:27:00.005-05:00

Okay. I know. I'm sorry. I still haven't finished my post about the end of my 'Possum Queen Reign. But it's hard, you know? An entire year as Roadkill Royalty. That's hard to give up. So look for that post coming soon.

In the mean time, I wanted to share some wonderfully bizarre happenings. First, this coming in under the not-so-wonderful-but barely-bizarre category, I found another stinkbug in my underwear drawer. This one? Alive. What the hell is it with my underwear that apparently fascinates stinkbugs to no end? Wait. Don't answer that.

I'm also still playing stinkbug chicken with The Man. I think he might still be winning. It's hard to tell.

And last month I participated in The Greatest Scavenger Hunt The World Has Ever Seen. Sponsored by GISHWHES and Misha Collins. Natalie Damschroder and I got to be on the same team, but they split us up from Megan Hart, Misty Simon and Vicki Smith. I think Misha knew we'd be an unbeatable combination. Thank you Megan for finding the hunt. It was jolly good fun!

They have a schwag shop where you can buy souveniers from this year's hunt. I'm partial to the Bacon Babes calendar if anyone's still looking for a Christmas present for me. (Though no one ever got me the ninja-breadmen cookie cutters I asked for last year.)

So, what strange craziness has been going on in your life?

Hostile Takeover of My Zumba Class

2011-12-14T21:17:00.005-05:00

Yes, I escape once a week and do Zumba. Yes, that is extremely suburban housewifey of me. Don't worry, it's part of my cover.

Actually, I love dancing. So this is right up my alley. The last time I was there the ladies were wondering if they should set up a pole so I could do a full on pole dancing routine.

Unfortunately, our instructor has absolutely no rhythm. None. Whatsoever. It drives me insane. How can you teach dance moves if you can't even stay on the beat? So every time I go, I have to curb my super villain instincts to do something like this. (Starting at 57 seconds in.)

I don't think it would take much to instigate a coup in the class.

Open Letters to the Craziness at Chez Quinn

2011-12-11T09:04:00.007-05:00

Dear Possessed and Dying Toy That I Can't Find,

Stop playing your death knell every time I come in to the dark living room at six thirty in the morning to turn on the light and scaring the bejeezus out of me. Your warbling is freaking me out. Either show yourself so I can put you out of your misery or JUST DIE ALREADY!!

Sincerely Yours,
Ava

Dear Feral Cat,

Quit storming the damn house! I will not let you in no matter how many times you try to dart inside. I'm not a cat person and you're making my limping fifteen year old dog insecure since she can't run you off. Keep your mangy ass out of my house!

Yours Truly,
Ava

Dear Youngest Urchin,

Stop asking me what something means and then halfway through my explanation try and drown me out with I knows. I understand you're only four, but it's driving me crazy.

I love you! xoxo
Mommy

Dear Upstairs Toilet,

Will you just do your damn job and flush consistently already? You're driving me bat-shit-crazy with the plunging every damn day! Just frickin' flush right!

Yours Respectfully,
Ava

Ahhhhh, now that I have that out of my system I can tell you what I really came here to tell you. My Reign as the County 'Possum Queen has come to an end. Sorry if that announcement was too abrupt. Maybe I should have eased you into it a little, but, alas, I'm one of those rip-the-band-aid-off-and-deal-with-it kind of people.

Anyway, it happened early last month, but it's been a little too hard to talk about until now. I will give you the entire run-down of that sad day later this week to give you time to adjust to the news.

Until then, tell me what craziness you'd like to address with an open letter.

And Now for Something Amazing

2011-12-05T23:00:00.005-05:00

Perhaps my favorite Christmas movie is Holiday Inn. I'm a huge Fred and Ginger fan, and the combo of Fred and Bing Crosby and Marjorie Reynolds is irresistible. I was originally looking for this dance number from Holiday Inn to post, but embedding was disabled. (Which is why I posted the above astounding routine instead.)

Enjoy!

Just In Time for Your Holiday Shopping

2011-11-30T21:52:00.006-05:00

I'm opening a new store. It's called The Angry Villager, for all your torch and pitchfork needs. Because really, who doesn't need a pitchfork and torch supplier?

The Angry Villager houses a handsome array of torches from super flammable straw to reusable metal.

Pitchforks with handles fashioned from several different materials will be available for your enjoyment. From traditional wood to light-weight fiberglass, and many styles in between, you'll always find just what you're looking for. We even have a room just for tridents if your angry mobbing turns to underwater warfare.

We can handle bulk orders to outfit you and your angry mob with express and overnight shipping.

A knowledgeable staff member (ahem, me) will be on-hand to answer your questions and help you select just the right torch or pitchfork for your immediate need.

Heirloom pieces will be available for special order. Monogramming is extra.

Novelty merchandise will also be for sale at The Angry Villager soon.

Including the Angry Mob playset.

So shop now and shop often. Operator (uh, me again) is standing by to take your orders.

The Wollman Test of Reality

2011-11-24T20:31:00.004-05:00

About three years ago I posted a rant. (Don't be so shocked. I can rant if I want to!) In that rant, I referenced an article I'd read in Reader's Digest many years ago. I think I was around fourteen years of age when I read it, and it made a lasting impact on me.

I got some of the details a little mixed up, but the message was clear. In life, is this a problem or an inconvenience?

Well, a wonderful woman left a comment saying she was looking for the same article and if she ever found it, she'd let me know. I had looked for a while, but came up empty. Well, Maureen contacted me today saying she found the original article. And here it is, very appropriately on Thanksgiving, in all it's glory.

The Wollman Test of Reality

Go and read it. You won't be sorry.

Bizarre Conversation In The Back Seat

2011-11-20T20:36:00.002-05:00

Oldest Urchin: Look, Mommy, there's a Mini Cooper. That's your favorite car!

Youngest Urchin: Speaking of Cooper, did you know I like to dress up like Alice Cooper?

I'm not making this up. I mean, really, how could I?

I'm Very Busy Avoiding Right Now

2011-11-17T10:27:00.003-05:00

I'm avoiding my w.i.p. Behold how seriously I am avoiding it.

I vacuumed the ceiling fan in my kitchen. Which led me to discover that the ceiling in my kitchen is rather dirty. So I began washing it.

The ceiling.

In my kitchen.

I stopped halfway across it and realized. . . *ding* . . . I'm avoiding my story. So I climbed down off the ladder and promptly began vacuuming the floor. And doing the laundry. And reorganizing the bathroom linen closet.

All of this is better than staring at my computer screen and agonizing over this story and how it's so generic and muddled.

So now I have a half torn apart linen closet, half a clean kitchen ceiling and half the house swept, but no forward momentum on Brass In Pocket.

Sigh.

I have lovely ideas for my other stories, vying for my attention. But nothing to fix the mess I made of Brass. And no idea of what's prompting this avoidance.

So now I need to decide if I should put it away for a while and work on something new or continue to run my brain through a cheese grater as I fight with the tinkered mess that is chapters one through three of my w.i.p. (There are many more chapters, but I'm too linear to go there.)

What's a deranged girl to do?

This Is Me Right Now

2011-11-15T20:49:00.001-05:00

Thank You

2011-11-11T10:36:00.005-05:00

11/11/11

Thank you, Veterans.

Thank you, active duty military.

My father is a Vietnam Veteran. He spent thirteen months there, most of it in the jungle. My paternal grandfather was a World War II Veteran. He fought at The Battle of the Bulge. My maternal grandfather was a World War I Veteran. He lied about his age and enlisted at age 16.

Long time readers of my blog know that I send care packages to soldiers stationed in combat zones. I get the addresses through the website anysoldier.com. It's a very worthwhile organization.

I extend my heartfelt gratitude to the brave American men and women, past, present and future for their dedication, service and sacrifice.

This W.I.P.

2011-11-09T22:37:00.002-05:00

is kicking my ass right now. Which in reality means that I'm kicking my own ass. Since it's my story.

*sigh*

I think I need to log some time in my happy place.

Playing Stinkbug Chicken

2011-11-03T10:56:00.009-04:00

A few days ago, a stinkbug made an appearance in my bedroom, crawled to a high spot out of my immediate reach, and has apparently decided it's now residing there for the winter.

I've been keeping my eye on it, and can satisfactorily report it hasn't moved for days. So I've left it alone because there have been too many other things on fire around here to deal with. Things more important than a stinkbug setting up house on my bedroom wall. Yeah, we've had some major shit.

Anyway, I happened to mention the stinkbug to The Man.

me: "Have you noticed the stinkbug in our room?"

The Man: "Yeah."

me: "Are you going to kill it?"

The Man: "Are you?"

me: hmmmm

And that's when the game of Stinkbug Chicken tm began. Though I'm not sure that The Man actually knows he's a participant in my new form of entertainment. But I believe he is beginning to suspect.

So here's how I'm playing. I make a comment about the bug to see if The Man will be the one to break down and dispose of it first. Only, I can't actually ask him to do it. I can only bring his attention to the bug in interesting ways. For example.

me: "You know, I think I'll name the stinkbug in our room, Ralph."

The Man: bushy glance from the corner of his eye: "Is that so."

me: "Yeah. It seems he'll be staying awhile and if he's going to see me changing my clothes, I figured he should have a name."

The Man: "How do you know it's a he?"

me: "Because it stares at me so intently when I get naked."

The Man: "Yeah, that seems logical."

Oh, he's good.

So it's a stalemate right now, but I haven't cracked yet. As long as Ralph stays put, that is. He's perched on my side of the room, so if he goes mobile, I'll be the first to be infiltrated.

Though, truthfully, if that thing starts flying?

Game over.

Remember Those Hello Kitty Doms?*

2011-11-01T07:05:00.005-04:00

If not, let me refresh your memory.

One For The WTF Files

This was the first entry in my WTF category. If you choose to peruse that section of my blog, please do so at your own risk.

*shameless ploy to pass off a re-run, as my mother is still visiting from Montana.

Snow? Really?

2011-10-28T20:41:00.004-04:00

So I was driving to the Oldest Urchin's school Halloween party. Okay, Fall Festival. Damn PC bastards. But at least she gets to dress up and have a costume parade.

Anywho, as I'm humming along to Englebert Humperdink, that nerve grating sound interrupts my smooth, easy listening station. Yes, it's a severe weather alert. And what does it tell me? More rain? (as if we didn't suffer enough in Central PA during hurricane season.)

But no, it's not more rain. It's snow. They're predicting anywhere from six to ten inches.

Yes. Six. To. Ten.

It's not even November yet!

So I'm really thinking Apocalypse. Good thing I stored up on all that good stuff and built a bunker when I thought I was turning into a chrysalis.

What have you stored for this early winter Armeggedon?

NJRW Conference Recap

2011-10-25T08:54:00.004-04:00

So I went to the NJRW annual conference. It was a nice time. Got to be a grown up for almost two days. That was a tough facade to keep up, let me tell you.

Heard some pretty good workshops, talked with some writers, but my heart wasn't really into it. Which annoyed me. Yes, I annoy myself quite often, thankyouverymuch. I was sick and strung out on cold medicine the whole time. I drove three hours to get there, ate lunch, then sat in several hours of workshops. Not a great combination.

Then there was dinner, which was interrupted by the fire alarm - which at least didn't happen at four in the morning like last time. The fire fighters arrived and gave an all clear. (It was just poor planning in the set up of the buffet by the hotel.)

Next, I sat in an awards ceremony where I didn't know any of the authors in the competition. After that, the bar, with slow service, but good friends.

Up the next morning to do breakfast, workshops, lunch, workshops and a three hour drive home.

Pretty exhausting for how I was feeling, but worth it. I learned a few new tricks, found out that I'm already doing certain things right, and spoke with some different writers. Which is nice to get to do. As writers, we're definitely a different breed.

So how was your weekend?

The 3 Rs: Writing, Rummaging & Ridiculousness

2011-10-19T07:04:00.011-04:00

So, okay, those are the 3 Rs here at Tongue In Cheek. They may not necessarily be your three.

Anywho, here we go.

Writing
Yeah, pretty much nonexistent right now. The oldest Urchin has started up again with what brought her down last fall. And of course, every crazy test the doctors could think of was done to her. So they're at a loss as to what else to try. They just say inane things like, "Stay the course" and "A thousand points of light" and get me so irritated that I switch around all the things in their exam room while we're left alone waiting. Yeah, that's right, search for those tongue depressors. Search for them!

Ahem. Sorry.

I've also been sick for the past week, so my drive is not what it should be. Getting out of bed takes so much effort that opening and editing a wip is more than I can stand right now.

But, I'm leaving on Friday morning for the New Jersey Romance Writer's conference. If I ever look up the directions on how to get there, that is. I attended two years ago, and found it worthwhile. Even though the fire alarm went off in the middle of the night at the hotel. So hopefully going to the conference will get some of my writing mojo to return.

Rummaging
I am a rummage sale junkie. I love a good rummage sale like stink bugs love Victoria Smith.

Whilst arriving early to a particularly good one late in the summer, I eyed the crowd. They were a feisty looking bunch. Frazzled moms with fidgety children, little blue-haired ladies with huge shopping bags made of recycled plastic (you know, the ones with the sharp, pointy corners), unkempt, overweight, sweat pant wearing men with stringy comb overs.

Yes they were a well seasoned, yet motley crew of hard core rummage maniacs. This is the kind of crowd where the little old ladies will run you over with their wire baskets-on-wheels as soon as look at you. The unkempt men will use every body odor available to them to clear a section they want. And the mommies will sic their little mucus encrusted darlings on your ass before you can say viscous liquids.

Hard. Core.

All they needed were some eye patches, peg legs and a touch of scurvy, and they'd be the masters of the Seven Seas.

So as I walked down the sidewalk, eyeing the line of competition, and receiving the hairy eyeball in return, I busted out my best professional wrestling announcer voice and yelled, "Let's get ready to RUUUUUMMMAAAAAAAGGE!!!!"

Everyone gave me a lot of room after that. I owe all my psychological warfare tactics to the sea monkeys.

Ridiculousness
No, that last section wasn't the ridiculousness. Sheesh. This will be some random ridiculousness.

I found a dead, dried out, cracking apart stink bug.
In my underwear drawer. EEEEEEEEWWWWW! Alright, that was more like the "What's Grosser Than Gross" jokes that permeated the early eighties. (You all remember those, right? What's grosser than gross? Finding out your brother's scab collection is missing after eating a bowl of Cornflakes.)

My Reign as the county 'Possum Queen is soon coming to an end, and I'll need to attend the Moonshine and Fried Possum Carnival in the first weekend of November to hand over my crown of taxidermied 'possums with rhinestone accents to the next queen. Ahh, the memories I'll be taking with me after this year of excitement. If you haven't accompanied me on the journey and missed it, check out the 'Possum Queen category to the right and catch up on all the 'possumy goodness this year has wrought.

So I'm off to get my annual haircut today for the writer's conference. My hair is ridiculously long. It reaches my waist in the back. Time to get a few inches off.

So tell me. How are your writing, rummaging and ridiculousness going?

Sue Gourley Book Give Away

2011-10-16T08:22:00.006-04:00

The talented Susan Gourley is giving away a copy of her book The Keepers of Sulbreth at The Romance Studio. Though it's at The Romance Studio, I'd consider this more of a straight fantasy. Either way, the book was fantastic. The unique way she incorporated the magic used in her world was awesome.

You can read an interview with her from my Author Interview segments where she discusses the second book in the Futhark Chronicles. Not only that, but she aced the sea monkey S.A.T. portion of the interview to boot!

So go check her out and consider buying her books. You won't be disappointed.

Was I The Only Person

2011-10-11T22:13:00.005-04:00

Who watched this show? I'm pretty sure it came on after Land of the Lost in my area.

Even creepier than Mr. Pufnstuf. Amirite?

Adventures With Alice Cooper

2011-10-04T08:18:00.007-04:00

I always know I've crossed some line of propriety when I get no comments. Apparently taxidermied squirrels bizarrely frolicking for eternity (or until the moths and dust mites decimate them) crosses that line. Who knew?

Anywho, to my new readers, let it be said that I blend pretty well into my suburbia, doing the stay-at-home mom thing, even though I'm a gnome (see picture to right). I don't walk around wearing Metallica concert tee shirts and ripped up jeans, smoking and drinking a 40 on my front stoop.

Yes, I ride a motorcycle, which I haven't been out on in forever, but other than you, gentle readers, and a few others in my inner circle, no one knows that I do. I was a teacher for a decade before I stayed home, and I teach Sunday and vacation bible school. (It's all in an attempt to lull the defenseless masses into a false sense of security.)

So when I tell you this story, you'll know how crazy it really is.

Two weeks ago the Youngest Urchin was driving me out of my gourd with some revoltingly innocent video that I've completely repressed so that I can go on living a fruitful life. But at the time, it was boring into my brain and laying eggs. Suffice it to say, I made the move to have her choose some different viewing fare. We went to the video cabinet (yes, we still do videos), and she decided to choose a Muppet Show tape I had in the way back.

Now let it be known to one and all, I adore the original Muppets I grew up with. They are truly awesome and I revere Jim Henson as a creative genius. The only reason this one was shoved to the back is because it was the Vincent Price/Alice Cooper tape. The Oldest Urchin is a sensitive little soul who gets frightened easily, the Youngest Urchin? Not so much (read down towards the end and you'll see what I mean). But she was a little too young for it when I relegated the video to the back. Well, the Youngest Urchin starts pleading her case in her four year old terms.

"I love it, Mommy. I'm not afraid. I'm big. I like it now."

To which I replied, "You've never seen it."

The debate went back and forth, and in a fit of self preservation so that I didn't have to endure one more hearing of the other offensive video, I caved. It's the Muppets, for crying out loud. How harmful can it be?

So I put it in and the Youngest Urchin settles down to watch. Well, Vincent Price she could take or leave. But Alice Cooper made a huge impression.

Urgent calls from the living room begin.

"Mommy! Where's our cape?!?!" (A big scarf tied at two corners)

"In the dress-up bin."

"Mommy, Mommy go back! Alice Cooper is talking to me!"

Never before did it cross my mind that my four year old would ever utter those words.

So now Alice Cooper on the Muppet Show is her favorite. She pretends to be him. I hear her warbling Welcome to My Nightmare from the back seat. Her Barbies are now the ghost and monster band from the first skit. She wears her cape wherever we go. And when a well meaning adult smiles and comments how she's such a great super hero, she turns and replies, "I'm not a super hero. I'm Alice Cooper."

I just smile and nod as I lead her away from some stunned little old lady who looks at me askance.

Ahh, such is the life here at Chez Quinn.

So tell me, what's going on in your neck of the woods?

Squirrel Boxing

2011-09-21T15:37:00.006-04:00

Yes, squirrel boxing. Taxidermy style.

Apparently, some time around the 1930's it became popular to mount squirrels in a boxing ring, wearing trunks.

These coveted works of art are difficult to find, but they came to my attention because a gentleman in my area listed one for sale on Craigslist.

For $250.

(That's with the ring.)

Upon further investigation, (because, really, how could I not) it was found that there's no limit to what taxidermied squirrels can do.

As such.

Or even more lethal, and my personal favorite.

So, what is it that you would have your taxidermy squirrels engaging in? (And yes, they even have them doing that.)

Grumpy

2011-09-18T14:36:00.003-04:00

I want to go ride my motorcycle.

But I can't.

Damn hip.

Sigh. See it there, gleaming in the sun? Like a panther that had a toxic dose of raidation. Ready to burst out of the gate in a split second.

Man, do I need a ride.

I Love Parkour

2011-09-13T09:00:00.004-04:00

And this man is a master. Though with my new dodgy hip, I'll for sure never be. (not like it was very likely in the first place.)

One of my heroines uses parkour in her vigilante work.

This jump actually made my butt pucker. Wait for it. Yours will to.

So tell me, are you a parkour/free running fan or does it repulse you?

All It Took Was A Pinched Nerve

2011-09-10T19:12:00.008-04:00

Yesterday I somehow had the fortune (bad or good, you decide) to get a pinched nerve in my hip. What an experience it is. I've never had pain so intense that it made me want vomit before.

That was bad.

And we needed groceries. So The Man had to do grocery shopping on his own. (We usually go as a family to share in all the bliss that is grocery shopping.) I offered to drive one of those Hoveround carts, but the Man wasn't having it. I really wanted to drive that thing, too. Which The Man knew. Which was also why he wasn't having it. He knew I'd wreak havoc at the local grocery store on that bad boy. Especially since I haven't been out on my motorcycle in about two months (but that's a post for another day). And he really didn't want to end up in the paper tomorrow.

But the good part is that I was forced to sit. All day. And without much guilt because I was in too much pain to do the laundry or the dishes or clean the kitchen or make meals or Zamboni the toys to clear a path through the house or any of the other ten thousand things I'm usually doing. So without the guilt of neglecting my domestic engineer duties, I could write.

And write I did. I popped the steroids that I needed to take, managed the pain the best I could and finished up the edits on the chapter that has been plaguing me for what feels like forever. I'm too embarrassed to reveal how long in actuality I've been working on one stupid chapter. Suffice it to say - long time.

I sent it out for crit, even though it's not totally where I want it. The pain was actually thwarting me a bit in my thinking. But I feel very accomplished.

So now some heavy duty "do not operate heavy machinery" pain meds await on the counter to knock me into oblivion for the night.

And this is the lesson that I learned today. All I need in order to sit and write is blinding pain. Which, as any author knows, is what writing really is.

"There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein." ~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

Until next time when I wake from my drug induced stupor, citizens.

My Latest Obsession - Sideburn Art

2011-09-05T14:30:00.008-04:00

Yes, the art of the sideburn.

Since time immemorial, men have cultivated the sideburn.

Over the millenia, Sideburns have transformed and garnished male faces in many different ways.

As time marched on, More and more ways to incorporate the sideburn came to light.

But I believe the double threat of the mullet/sideburn one-two combo is just not playing fair. (Especially since my regular readers know how I feel about mullets.)

There are many famous sideburn sporting men. For example who could forget The King and his spectacular set of sideburns? Muy Macho!

How about Spock's pointy ones used as a counterpoint to his pointy ears?

And how could I have a post on sideburns without a nod to the contemporary master Hugh "Wolverine" Jackman?

Now some men can go a bit far with their sideburn statements.

But, admitedly, there are a lot of different statements to be made with a well planned sideburn.

It takes a confident man to make a statement with his facial hair. So, to all my male readers out there, don't miss out on this purely masculine fashion opportunity. It's yours for the taking.

And ladies, vote in the comments for your favorite sideburns. I know it's a tough choice, but don't worry, I won't make you defend it.

Skunk and Parties and Irene

2011-08-29T10:08:00.004-04:00

So The Man checked the basement for a skunk. His preparation was a bit like Tallahassee when he went looking for the last box of Twinkies left on the planet.

He grabbed an implement of destruction that resembled a Garden Weasel, and descended into the deep dark cellar. He came back a few minutes later with the "all-clear", but it's an old dirt floor basement with lots of places to hide. I'm not truly convinced that there isn't a skunk still skulking around down there. Which will make going down there in the future oh so much fun.

So in true Oldest Urchin birthday party fashion, something to thwart me occurred. Namely Hurricane Irene. Our house is not a good place to have ten 2 to 7 year olds confined, playing carnival games, but alas the weather was too bad to have it outside like I'd planned.

But I survived it. Along with her first week of first grade. So with those hurdles leaped like a capital T in a single bound, I'm now on to working on my wip faster than a rolling O. (Anyone remember where those phrases came from? Bonus points to you if you can guess!)

Carny Part Deux Railroaded By Skunk

2011-08-24T09:33:00.006-04:00

So, I was going to report about the Fireman's Fair, but there really isn't that much to tell this year. We had lots of people come and enjoy it with us. The antique tractor parade was as quaint as usual, and the food was awesome- especially since I didn't have to cook any of it.

But new developments must be reported upon.

I'm terrified that a skunk is in our basement.

Yes, you read that correctly.

We woke up at about five this morning to the smell of skunk. I figured one got hit on the road out front and, considering it was the oldest Urchin's first day of school, that I would have to deal with disgusting, smelly road kill as we waited for the bus. But when we trudged down to the end of the driveway at 7:50, there were no bloody, flattened, carcasses to be seen. Which, as anyone knows, is a source of great rejoicing.

It's been windy here today, and I expected the smell to dissipate quickly. And most of it has.

Except at the side porch.

Where the only access to our dirt floor basement is located. With its doors wide open and a fan blowing up the stone steps.

I am a-feared that the smell is emanating from there.

I've reported my suspicions to The Man, because as repeated frequently here at Tongue In Cheek, at Chez Quinn the disposal of animals falls directly into Man-land territory. (Okay, there was that one carny fish incident and oh, the dead uber-mouse where I took matters into my own gloved hands, but for the most part, Man-land.)

So I will now have to update you with the skunk report once things get checked out. I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath.

As will I, citizens.

As will I.

First Carny Report

2011-08-19T10:08:00.004-04:00

I truly am in denial. The oldest urchin starts first grade next week. I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to do all the back to school necessities and jam in as much summer as possible.

All at the same time.

And in the midst of my self-created chaos I realized something. I didn't report back on the backyard carny action. How rude of me!

It'll have to be a quick preliminary run-down.

First and foremost, I'd like to thank the family man who expanded my vocabulary the very first night. This wiry fellow with the motorcycle boots and stringy grey goatee toured the midway with his arm around his Harley Mama as his two delightful little girls fought and whined down the middle of everything. He sported a delightful tee shirt. In that neo nazi lettering, you know the font, it harkens back to WWII Germany, read the following words: crotch cannibal.

I'll leave the Google search to you.

The fried cuisine was exquisite, the carnies were wonderfully colorful, and the rides were sufficiently amusing. More details to come. For now, I'll leave you with my musings from last year, in which I defiantly proclaim that There's A Lid For Every Pot.

Enjoy!

Iowa Knows How To Do It!

2011-08-14T14:50:00.002-04:00

Okay, I'm still reeling from my four day carny extravaganza. But here is something to tide you over until I can recover and get back to you with my full report.

At the Iowa State Fair they are making deep fried butter on a stick. I kid you not.

Carny In T Minus Two Hours

2011-08-10T16:21:00.005-04:00

And I'm all a-quiver. In less than two hours I will be dining on all things carny. Not only that, but I will be in hill-billy-watching hog heaven. Although it's not as educational as the Moonshine and Fried Possum Carnival where I was crowned as the 'Possum Queen for the county, but it'll still be one helluva hoe down.

And the food! If it's deep fried and you can shove it on a stick, it will be in my hand.

Now, it won't be all fun and games for me. I'll need to put in a royal appearance. Do the glad handing and the photo ops, as per my contractual obligation to the Pot Bellied Processed 'Possum Products corporation. I will be wearing the taxidermy crown for at least one hour. Good thing it's not as hot as it has been.

So I will hopefully be watching all the crazed rednecks, carny operators and their significant others as the carny takes off full blast in my back yard.

Ahhh, life doesn't get any better than this.

Alright, Who Here Knew . . .

2011-08-08T22:13:00.008-04:00

That Ricardo Montalban was such a cool customer?

I mean, he was Kahn. (KAAAAAHN!!!)

Are you feasting your eyes on that magnificent mullet? And I don't need to remind you, fair readers, of the Merits of the Mullet.

But I really only saw him as Mr. Fantasy Island with the white tux, hanging out with Tattoo.

Not Mr. Suave.

Or even the man of rich Corinthian leather of Chrysler Cordoba commercial fame.

But dang, when he was young he was fierce! Did any of you know that already? And if you did, why didn't you clue me in?

Okay, One More Re-Run

2011-08-03T14:41:00.003-04:00

Here I thought things would settle down for me. Silly me. So here is one more re-run for the summer.

And then it will be carny time!! The time of year when the fireman's fair erupts in my back yard and for four days I eat all things deep fried and stuck on a stick.

Here's your re-run for today. Two things to know. It's one of the longest posts I've ever written. And I've sprayed expanding foam in all the runs and haven't seen a mouse in ten months. Hooray for science and expanding foam!

So here it is.

The Dead Mouse Disposal Saga of a Reformed Horror Flick Junkie

Read at your own risk.

The Possum Queen Swimsuit Competition

2011-07-24T08:56:00.008-04:00

Yes, gentle readers, it's here.

The 2010 'Possum Queen Swimsuit Competition. Now, if you're about to eat, please be sure to choose 'Possum the other white meat, sorta- and stop back a little later. I wouldn't want to be responsible for any stomach illnesses due to the viewing of the following pictures.

With that thinly veiled warning in mind - let's get started!

Bib overalls were a popular choice that day, but SaraLee really pulled them off with her mullet combo.

As always in our scrappy little county, we had some do-it -yourselfers. With a bit of duct tape and a whole lotta ingenuity, there were some stunning pieces. But none so stunning as this creation. BerthaLynn really went all out, didn't she?

Some of the judges/carny operators seemed pleased with the results too.

Darlene almost walked away with it with her Baywatch tribute.

So I knew I needed to bump up my game. I gathered my courage and decided I'd go . . . Topless. It was a little risque, but I thought it was tastefully done, don't you?

It seemed to please the judges, because I was crowned later that day.

Not only were bathing suits abounding, but love was in the air. A lovely couple met the first evening of the County Moonshine and Fried 'Possum Carnival at the swimming hole.

By the final day of the three day festivities, after much careful thought, they decided to take the plunge right there where they first met.

In the end, a good time was had by all.

One Last Re-Run

2011-07-21T09:21:00.003-04:00

Probably.

The oldest urchin's dress rehearsal for her play is tonight. Then she has three performances, finishing on Sunday. After that, I should have a little more time freed up.

But until then, here's a sage warning in the form of a re-run.

BEWARE THE PERILS OF THE POLKA!!!!!!!!

My New Addiction

2011-07-18T11:39:00.003-04:00

So apparently I have a slight addiction to the show Phineas and Ferb. It cracks me up.

But more importantly, I've come to realize I have a crush on the Evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz. Heinz, to me.

I don't know if it's the bulgy eyes, the crazy hair, or the stylin' lab coat, but there's just something about that man.

Or maybe it's our propensity to love evil.

Could be all those huge "inators" he builds. He's definitely a hands-on evil genius.

Though, being forced to be a yard gnome as a child didn't hurt his chances with me either.

So, you tell me. What is it about the evil Dr. Doofenshmirtz that makes him so gosh darn irresistible?

Hit the Ground Running

2011-07-14T08:19:00.002-04:00

Well, since we've gotten home from camping, the youngest urchin has had her birthday. She is now a four year old. Not sure how that happened. The family party is Saturday. I've been cleaning up from camping - laundry, putting away all the camper/ing stuff, laundry, trimming the lawn, laundry, cleaning the house, laundry, baking and wrapping, laundry. . . You get the picture.

Next week the oldest urchin is in a play. Dress rehearsal Thursday, performances Friday, Saturday and Sunday. So there have been lots of rehearsals so far and then every day next week. So I'm doing a lot of mom-taxiing.

I need to learn how to write with noise in the background. I might be able to get some words on screen if I could stop being so darn distractible. Currently, I've been doing a Dr. Frankenstein on chapter one of Brass In Pocket. We'll see if I like the results.

So do you write with music on in the background? Can you write anywhere? Or are you like me and need a quiet environment to get your thoughts down? Inquiring mind would like to know - mine, that is.

Until next time, citizens!

New On The Ninja

2011-07-10T20:55:00.006-04:00

Check out the new sticker I put on my motorcycle. I couldn't resist it.

The color doesn't show up well in this photo. It's actually the same Kawasaki green as my cycle. Here's another one of the whole rig.

We made it back from camping at the shore on Friday afternoon. I'm still beat.

No major incidences to report, and sadly, the damn carny goldfish is still alive and well. And most definitely in cahoots with the sea monkeys.

Rummage Re Run

2011-07-05T07:33:00.000-04:00

Here is a re-run from August 10, 2010. It's really Secret Confession #4.

Rummage.

Ahhhh, beautiful, beautiful rummage.

Sea Monkey Re-Runs

2011-07-01T14:02:00.005-04:00

Yes. You heard it here first. Today's re-run is brought to you by sea monkeys.

The on going battle of the sea monkey horde that has infiltrated my bath tub is an epic saga of Atlantis proportions.

Let me take you back to September 14, 2009 for another installment of . . .

Rise Of The Sea Monkeys And Other Stuff (stuff stuff stuff)

Summer Re-Runs

2011-06-25T22:13:00.004-04:00

Ok, so I'm going to be guilty of this again. I'm swamped with craziness for the next week, and then Chez Quinn is going mobile the week after that, camping at the beach for a week. But, dear readers, I could not leave you stranded without serving up some specimen of surreal zaniness that is my specialty.

For you long term, hard core Tongue In Cheek readers, this batch of re-runs will hopefully serve as a greatest hits tribute. For the newly initiated, enjoy! But beware this disclaimer. There are sometimes when a barf bag may become necessary at some point.

Without further ado, I take you back to June 3, 2010 and The Merits of the Mullet.

Yeah, It's Confirmed

2011-06-21T13:30:00.003-04:00

Got a call from the doctor at 10:15 last night. Blood test results are in, and it's definitely Lyme Disease for the oldest urchin. He believes it was caught early enough that there shouldn't be any lasting, long-term effects. She's been on the antibiotic for almost a week now, and the fever finally broke a few days ago.

I worked this weekend. 1 p.m. til 9 p.m. Friday night, 8 - 4:30 Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I was scoring assessments of the most disabled students in the state. Chained to a computer in one cubicle among many in the cubicle farm, watching children take tests. Many of whom just shouldn't be taking them. I'd like to chain the politicians who drafted and support No Child Left Behind to those uncomfortable chairs and watch hour after hour of severely disabled children grappling with assessments that mean nothing and cost those children much. Let alone the tax payers.

I signed a confidentiality contract, so I can't go into detail, but suffice it to say, many of those tapes can be harrowing.

I kept hoping for an exit like Neo got from Morpheus in The Matrix. Embedding was disabled, so I couldn't post it here.

Unfortunately no such escape was provided. The best I could do was declare Monday Hawaiian shirt day. But apparently no one else got the memo.

Oh well. At least my hula girl shirt was a hit.

Lyme Disease? Really?

2011-06-16T13:15:00.009-04:00

Ok, so last week it was Nursemaid's Elbow. This week - Lyme Disease.

The oldest urchin, who is six, has had a pretty high fever since Sunday afternoon. I finally got her in to the doctor this morning and his hypothesis is Lyme Disease. As if the little urchin needed anything else this year.

As you may or may not know, to check for Lyme disease blood must be drawn. When she heard that, the eyes got wide and teary, but then she took a deep breath and said, "That's okay, Mommy. I'm an old pro at this."

That's when my eyes got teary.

So she sat on my lap like she usually does for blood work, shocked the nurse by telling her it was a tourniquet that was being stretched around her arm, and then tried valiantly not to move or cry during the procedure.

She was the bravest little toaster that ever was.

So now she's on an antibiotic for the next twenty-one days and the fever has still not gone away. What a way to start her summer vacation.

And the youngest urchin has upped her terrible threes game by a power of at least ten in protest to all the attention the older one is receiving right now.

Ahh, chaos. Lovely, lovely chaos. And I'm still not getting any writing done. I wonder why.

Just Call Me Helga

2011-06-11T20:28:00.007-04:00

I finally got a new bathing suit last night. Ever since the wardrobe malfunction on the beach last summer, in which I issued a public apology to the inhabitants of that section of Rehoboth Beach, I've needed a new one.

Well, I got one last night.

It was a family affair, so you can imagine the unadulterated joy it was to bathing suit shop - which I hate - with The Man and Urchins in tow. I basically got the one that I could tolerate and called it a night.

So I now own a bathing suit with leopard print. Grey and black toned leopard print. I've never owned a leopard printed anything in my life. (I heard those gasps of shock, but believe it, leopard print ain't my shtick.)

It also has cups of steel. I kid you not. I could knock on these knockers and hear a resounding ~BONG~. I feel like I should be sporting a helmet with horns protruding from each side and wielding a spear as I descend from Valhalla.

If only I could work it like Bugs bunny, then at least I'd know I looked good.

But alas, I fear I wear it like Helga, the opera singing warrior in my old favorite video game Clayfighter.

I originally was trying for some rockabilly style. It has that vintage pinup vibe about it. Here's a picture. It doesn't show the cups that well, but you get the idea.

I may add little gun barrels to the center of each cup just to give a nod to the Austin Powers Fembots. We'll see.

Speaking of vintage pin up girl style, if you haven't checked these guys out, you're no hep cat of mine. I love their designs.

So, any bathing suit disasters you'd care to share with the rest of the class? We're all ears!

Gotta Have Some Soul

2011-06-08T21:14:00.003-04:00

I just needed a little vintage R&B tonight. Add a little Soul, and this is what you get.

Enjoy!

And this song always takes me back to that night I was underage and on the dance floor in a bar down in Delaware. And that's all I'm saying about that.

Nursemaid's Elbow. Um, Yeah

2011-06-05T15:10:00.007-04:00

So my newest medical terminology that I've acquired is, "nursemaid's elbow". What is nursemaid's elbow, you may ask? Well, let me tell you a little story.

The following story is true, the names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Dan dant dant dant.
Daaan dan dant dant daaaaaaaa!
(Dragnet theme song, in case you were wondering)

Time: early Thursday afternoon - fifteen minutes before kindergarten bus arrival.

Place: Chez Quinn backyard

Suspect: Oldest Urchin

Dant da naaaaa,
dant da nant na naaaaaaa

(Dragnet theme continued)

The oldest Urchin bursts into the kitchen where I'm cleaning up lunch and doing dishes, shouting for me to come quick.

I remove myself to the yard and observe the three year old lying in the grass crying. As I help her up, I get the fragmented and most likely, highly polished version of what happened from the eldest of the urchins.

She fell. Older urchin grabbed her arm to help pull her up. Much crying ensued.

There being no other witnesses to the altercation, I try asking the three year old- who is crying profusely. Which is actually very uncharacteristic of her. Through the tears and around the blowing of the nose I get, "Sissy pulled me."

I settle the youngest on the couch with an icepack on her arm and some tv to soften the blow and take the eldest out to the end of the driveway to put her on the bus.

When I re-enter the domicile, The crying has stopped, but younger urchin is very pale. I proceed to examine the arm. She can wiggle her fingers, though making a fist hurts, she can move it, but wails and immediately begins crying again when she bends it. There are no marks on the arm or swelling. Tylenol and liberally applied ice packs are administered.

Symptoms don't change for several hours. That evening I call the doctor's office. There are no appointment openings, but the nurse takes down the symptoms and says she'll tell the doctor and call back. Within fifteen minutes I get a call from her requesting that the subject come in immediately.

Diagnosis: nursemaid's elbow. One of the lower of the two bones in the elbow joint has come out of its socket, causing extreme pain whenever it moves. The doctor was able to pop it back in quickly and less than thirty minutes later the youngest urchin was back to her crazy rambunctious self.

And that is only one of several extremely crazy things that have happened over the past four days.

Hope things aren't quite so exciting at your house.

For My Classically Trained Readers

2011-06-02T11:50:00.004-04:00

It's a little known fact that I played the violin for many years. (You never would have thought they had gnome sized classical instruments, but they do. The Eastern Deciduous Woodland Gnome Orchestra is a highly respected institution. But, alas, that is a post for another day.)

Here, for your viewing pleasure, is an oldie but a goodie that's been around the internet for a while. Yet still just as hilarious.

Enjoy!

Grilled 'Possum Memorial Day BBQ

2011-05-27T20:39:00.005-04:00

What Memorial Day weekend is complete without a barbecue? And as your reigning 'Possum Queen, I'd be remiss in my duties if I didn't remind y'all about the interesting and economical choice of 'possum for your grill!

Here's the "before" version -

And here's the "after".

Now, doesn't that look delicious?

Don't forget to stock up on all those yummy 'possum sauces and things. I'm sure your local grocer has plenty of these on the shelf for this holiday weekend.

So, to make this Memorial Day unforgettable, run right out and get a mess of 'possum - the third white meat, sorta*.

*copyright Pot-Bellied Processed 'Possum Co. All rights reserved.

From Krass to Class

2011-05-24T09:44:00.003-04:00

Okay, okay, stop calling in. (That means you, mother.) I'll move on from those Krass Bros. commercials. (But they really did explain a lot. Amiright?)

So in an attempt to purge the memory of those commercials from your brain without poking your eyes out, here is a wonderful song that Ray Charles covered titled You Don't Know Me. It's such a beautiful, emotional song. One of my favorites that he's ever recorded. Here is an early live rendition.

Enjoy. And please accept my humblest apologies if I inflicted any lasting damage due to your viewing the Krass Bros. spots.

Well, This Explains Some Of It

2011-05-21T16:41:00.003-04:00

When I was a kid growing up just outside of Philly, I loved these commercials. I still do. They're hilarious.

(The hair is definitely typical of the area in the eighties!)

Click 'em if you dare!

Back From Retreat With Goldfish Emergencies

2011-05-17T21:17:00.005-04:00

My writing retreat was awesome. The new place is fantastic. Getting together with my writers group for three consecutive days was absolutely phenomenal. Three days of writing and eating and laughing and eating and writing and laughing some more. Though, the fifteen fire trucks that came the first night for the industrial dryer fire was not so fun.

I was able to complete my writing goal and talk to friends. It always astounds me how amazing it feels to be with like-minded insane people. There's quite a comfort in that.

So whilst I was away, The Man had a good time with the urchins. On Friday night, they attended the eldest urchin's school May Fair. And yes, carny goldfish were obtained. Over a hundred dollars later to outfit the two dollar slimy things, and one has the gall to up and die last night.

Our neighbors, wonderful people that they are, didn't blast my head off with a shotgun when I knocked on their door at 10:30 at night to ask for a bucket of water. Seems our water is too hard and has raised the ph of the tank to intolerable limits. They were all asleep, but her father-in-law was still up. So here I come, tromping through the rain, up to the back door in my pajamas, garden clogs and a rain poncho to ask for a bucket of water because they have a water treatment system installed.

As I'm filling said bucket, he proceeds to give me the down-and-dirty-nitty-gritty of her side of the family. He must have spilled every family secret they had in the time it took to fill up a bucket. I must have one of those faces. You know the one, the "let me tell you every embarrassing thing that's ever happened to our family now that I've known you for 45 seconds" face.

Yeah. That one.

It was all, this daughter died in a car crash and we buried her on her graduation day, and this son-in-law cheated on this daughter and ran off to Kentucky, and I had my gallbladder out and the little wife had her lady parts removed. And the whole time I nodded and made concerned noises at the appropriate times, all the while thinking - For the love of all things holy will you fill faster!!

And after all that I endured, the little fish bastard went and died anyway.

So then there was the morning after fall-out with the urchins. They have been so excited about the fish. Everyone within a sixty mile blast radius has heard about getting these fish. I cringe every time I take them to the store because each and every unsuspecting clerk gets to hear the tale as they scan our items at a faster and faster rate of speed.

So the dang thing died. There was much gnashing of teeth and renting of garments that morning. I was severely chastised by the oldest urchin for its impromptu burial at sea (I now know how Obama feels). Explicit instructions were given on how I must find a mini coffin to lay the fish to rest in as well as schedule a family viewing instead of a watery burial in an undisclosed location.

And I know these little cretins disguised as harmless fish are in league with the sea monkeys. Their tank has clouded up in under an hour. You know what this means. The sea monkeys have already infiltrated. Mark my words.

The Man just shakes his head and adds chemicals. But I know. It's a portent of watery sea monkey doom if ever I saw one.

So, if you haven't already guessed, this post, which I began at eight a.m. and am finishing now at 9:15 p.m. is the only writing I've gotten done since getting home from retreat.

Ahh, retreat. It seems like a distant memory. *sigh* Well, there's always next year.

How was your weekend?

I've Begun My Overpacking

2011-05-10T08:37:00.003-04:00

Sing with me!! It's the most wonderful time of the year!

No, not Christmas. Or back to school.

It's time for my writer group's annual writing retreat! We have a new venue this year in a galaxy far, far away. Okay, it's Pittsburgh. (But really, same thing as far as I'm concerned.) And therefore, I have no idea what to pack. Will it be cold or warm? (Tauntuan or Hoth?) Will I want comfy sweat pants or get-down-to-business jeans? Will the weather be nice enough to go write outside? Will I need a sweater? Will there be Sand People to battle? The possibilities are endless.

One thing is out of the over-packing equation, though. We won't be going out for drinks, so I won't need to pack anything for that. But, that outing was replaced by an inning. A pajama clad cocktail hour. If only I had Hugh-Hefner-like pj's, I would rock that thing. But alas, I have flannel.

But the wardrobe is not the sing-along-with-me-roof-bustin' exciting part. I get to go for three days and just

WRITE!!

Yes, you read me correctly. Write. It's an all meals provided, no urchin taxiing, sea monkey battle-free zone. All I have to do is show up and write my little heart out. And paint my nails. (That's usually my major goal of the weekend, anything over and above that is gravy.)

So, any big plans coming up for you? Have you ever gone on a retreat? Do you suffer from the same over-packing affliction as I do? Tell all. Operators are standing by to answer your comments. Thanks, and have a nice day!

To The Roller Derby!

2011-05-04T13:11:00.009-04:00

I may be taking my next field trip tonight. Where to? Why, the roller derby, of course.

The Harrisburg Area Roller Derby (or H.A.R.D.) is having their recruitment night this evening.

Now who to try out for? The Nuclear Knockouts? The Fallout Femmes? I think I may be leaning towards the Atomic City Rollergirls. Mainly because their colors match my motorcycle.

Roller derby - not to be confused with Rollerball, which used motorcycles, so you know I had to be interested in that too.

I have to admit, I didn't know much about roller derby before a few days ago. So, what was an ill-informed twenty-first century gnome to do? Duh. Wikipedia! (You thought it'd be a trick question, didn't you?) Anyway, here's what wiki has to say:

Contemporary roller derby is an American-invented contact sport with roots in sports entertainment. The game is based on formation roller skating around an oval track by two teams. Points are scored when the designated scoring player (the "jammer") of a given team laps members of the opposing team;[1] hence offense and defense typically occur simultaneously.

So the jammer gets flung forward around the track, trying to get past the opposing team as they block and try to get their jammer past first.

This is definitely a full contact sport.

These gals have spunk, style and stamina. What's not to like? I just hope they'll give me a tryout, even though I'm only three foot nine (with the pointy hat).

And besides . . .

Mary Kay Commandos

2011-04-27T16:08:00.007-04:00

I am a huge fan of Berkeley Breathed's work. Especially Bloom County. When he ended that strip, I was saddened- nigh devastated. One book from that hilarious series was The Night of the Mary Kay Commandos.

I seem to have attracted one of these. I wonder if she has the pink uzi.

Let me preface by saying I probably brought this on myself. I'm the type of person who supports independent music, small businesses, fruit stands, kids selling just about anything, and stay-at-home moms trying to help make ends meet. It's that last one that has latched onto my ankle like a rabid dog and won't let go.

It's almost as bad as the time that delusional Jehovah's Witness woman was stalking me. So, Mary Kay Commando, stop sending me fliers, stop emailing me reminders, and for the love of St. Peter's pogo stick don't sign me up for your Pampered Chef parties!

I understand that times are tough right now. Truly, I do. I know this mainly because they're tough at my house too. So realize that I'm not going to part with any of my money right now to buy useless goods from you. Nor do I wish to become a consultant. Nor an underling. Not even a hostess.

So back off before I send out my Sea Monkeys to infest your basement.

Happy Easter!

2011-04-24T07:58:00.001-04:00

It's just not Easter without Peeps. And they're made right here in PA! Enjoy!

Megan Hart Precious and Fragile Things Author Interview

2011-04-22T05:17:00.003-04:00

Today I'm welcoming Megan Hart to Tongue In Cheek. She's a multi published national best selling author and more fun than a bucket full of sea monkeys. She's here to talk about her newest release Precious and Fragile Things.

Author Bio:

I was born and I lived a while, then I did some stuff. Now I mostly write books and things.

Thanks for agreeing to answer some interview questions about yourself and your new book.

You’re welcome!

So, what is your new book about?

My latest novel is called Precious and Fragile Things.

He’s not about to let her leave.
And she cannot stay.
Gilly Soloman has been reduced to a mothering machine, taking care of everyone and everything except herself. But the machine has broken down. Burnt out by the endless days of crying children and menial tasks, and exhausted from always putting herself last, Gilly doesn’t immediately consider the consequences when she’s carjacked. With a knife to her throat, her first thought is that she’ll finally get some rest. Someone can save her for a change.

But salvation isn’t so forthcoming. Stranded in a remote, snowbound cabin with this stranger, hours turn to days, days into weeks. As time forges a fragile bond between them, she learns her captor is not the lunatic she first believed, but a human being whose wasted life has been shaped by secrets and tragedy. Yet even as their connection begins to foster trust, Gilly knows she must never forget he’s still a man teetering on the edge. One who just might take her with him.

Can you share an interesting behind the scenes tidbit about your latest story?

There’s a scene in the beginning of the book in which the heroine throws her kids out the car window in order to protect them. I wanted to be sure it worked the way I wrote it, so I...threw my kids out the car window. (Someone was there to catch them, but it can be done just the way I wrote it!)

What is your favorite part of the story writing process?

Being finished!

Writing can be such an isolated enterprise. Yet, I’m sure there are people who have helped or guided or inspired you along the way to becoming a published author. Could you tell us about one of them and how they helped you?

I have to give credit to Susan Gourley, who I met at the first writing conference I ever attended. She introduced me to Central PA Romance Writers, and was my first crit partner. I learned so much working with her!

Now for the S.A.T. portion of the interview:

Fill in the blank –
If I were a villain, I would have __________________ for minions to deliver my wrath because _______________________. (And remember, sea monkeys are already spoken for. Mostly)

mutant centipedes - because I dreamed about them last night and my skin’s still crawling!

Sea Monkeys are to _______________ as zombie stinkbugs are to _______________.

Peanut butter
Vegemite

Please tell us where we can find out more about you and where we can buy your books.

www.meganhart.com
www.readinbed.net
www.twitter.com/Megan_Hart
www.facebook.com/meganhart

Thanks again for stopping in!

The 'Possum Queen Low Down

2011-04-20T08:11:00.004-04:00

I'm over at Susan Gourley's blog giving the low down on all things Possum Queen. Go on over and check it out!

If you missed the original postings here at Tongue In Cheek, here they are in all their possumy glory.

As The New Reigning 'Possum Queen . . .

Roast 'Possum Recipe

Thanksgiving 'Possum Leftovers

Delinquent 'Possum Queen

Diversified Possum Uses

In other news, I'll be having another author interview on Friday. The wonderful Megan Hart will be here answering questions about her writing and her latest release, Precious and Fragile Things. And yes, she will be answering the sea monkey SAT portion. You don't want to miss that!

Until then, Citizens!

Ahh, Zombieland

2011-04-18T20:12:00.008-04:00

Whilst at the zombie prom as part of the zombie response unit last month, Misty Simon's husband made me aware of the movie Zombieland. Misty's enthusiastic endorsement was also key in my checking it out.

All I can say is, Yowza- it's awesome. Definitely in my top five all time horror cult classic list. It hasn't bumped Evil Dead off the very top, but it definitely placed in the top five ranking.

I adored Columbus's lists and Tallahassee's quest for the last remaining Twinkies on Earth. Just gory fun with a small side of Bill Murray. You can't go wrong. I have to say, though, that I was annoyed with the cheap plot device to force an all out zombie mowdown at the end. They could have gotten the same thing without making the heroine, who up until then was smart, make the dumbest choice ever and need to be saved. It was cheap, but really, in a horror movie, you come to expect the writer to have the girl become too stupid to live.

In that vein, just think about the obligatory naked-hot-chick-who-just-gets-done-having-sex-getting-whacked-by-the-bad-guy trope. Even Hitchcock used the make-the-woman-be-dumb-at-the-end-so-I-can-have-one-last-scary-scene in The Birds. Click here for the scene

But, shockingly, I digress. Zombieland. It's good stuff.

Speaking of movies to see, I've found one that I must see. The last one I HAD to see was Ninja Assassin. I expected no plot, lots of action and special effects. Pretty much what I got in all its slasher, kungfu goodness. They must have had tankers full of fake blood on set to supply the amount that was used in the film. But now. NOW! There's this -

Oh you can bet your bottom zombie that I will see this in the theater. Plus it has the actor that played Bones in Star Trek 2009. He is fantastic.

Enjoy!

Funky Friday

2011-04-15T09:37:00.005-04:00

It's Funky Friday, people! Time to get the Funk out. So here for your viewing and listening pleasure are the Ohio Players. (And more importantly, I needed to move Skeletor down. Every time I opened the blog, he'd startle me.)

How about some Hollywood Swingin'?

In other news . . .

I'll be interviewed over at Susan Gourley's blog next Wednesday, giving the full low down on my 'Possum Queen journey as a part of her A-Z challenge.

The weather is getting warmer, and I still haven't gotten out on my motorcycle yet. And people ask what pushes me towards villainy. Silly people.

The weekend is coming! I'm ringing it in with funk and villainous plottings. So you know it's situation normal at Chez Quinn. What are your weekend plans?

This Is Me Now

2011-04-10T08:42:00.005-04:00

Except add laser beams shooting from my eye sockets. And Death Rays blazing from my finger tips.

My Super Villain plans are back on the barby, baby!

Vicky Burkholder - Prime Time Author Interview

2011-04-05T06:30:00.001-04:00

Victoria has lived all over the universe. She looks human - for the most part - but when she starts writing about characters being able to move things or flicking fire from their fingertips, or changing the course of rivers, people tend to get a little freaked out. She found the one guy out there in the universe who loves her for who she is. They've been together forever and raised four wonderful (now) adults. She has served on the board of directors for several RWA chapters. Her writing career includes work as a technical writer/editor, a stringer for the local newspaper, and an editor and copy editor for four e-publishers. At various times in her life, she has been a teacher, a secretary, a short-order cook, a computer specialist, a DJ, and a librarian. She currently has books with Captiva Press, Ellora’s Cave, and Draumr Publishing She can be found at http://writervictoria.wordpress.com or http://burkholv.wordpress.com

Thanks for agreeing to answer some interview questions about yourself and your new book.

Thank you for having me.

So, What is your new book about?

PRIME TIME is a futuristic romance that takes place on the moon. In the dark corners of the Lunar habitats, Deena has safety and friends. In the light—danger lurks. To find those responsible for the death of her parents and the disappearance of her friends, she must join those who work in the light—if they’ll let her. After all, they’re Techies. Jake has every advantage of a Techie. Head of an elite security force investigating the Utopia drug, he is certain the pushers are the Porters. He needs to find a way to integrate with those who work in the dark, but Techies aren’t welcome. Deena and Jake must put aside their differences and work together against a common enemy—a threat to both Techies and Porters. Along the way, they discover love doesn’t care where you come from, and evil has a long reach.

Can you share an interesting behind the scenes tidbit about your latest story?

Actually, the most interesting part is that it’s not all that new. It was published once before, but strictly as an ebook, by another publisher. When they closed down, I got my rights back and my new publisher immediately picked it up and put it out both as an ebook and in print. I am so thrilled to have it out as a paperback book that I can actually hold in my hand.

What is your favorite part of the story writing process?

Creating new and exciting worlds. That’s why I love to write fantasy, science fiction and paranormals. I get to create no only the characters, but entire universes. My second favorite part is writing “The End”.

Writing can be such an isolated enterprise. Yet, I’m sure there are people who have helped or guided or inspired you along the way to becoming a published author. Could you tell us about one of them and how they helped you?

To single out one person wouldn’t be fair. I’m going to wimp out and say CPRW – Central Pennsylvania Romance Writers. They encouraged me, helped me critique and edit my stories, held my hand when I needed holding, and kicked my butt when that was needed. They are a great writer’s group and extremely helpful to writers of all levels.

Now for the S.A.T. portion of the interview:

Fill in the blank –
If I were a villain, I would have ___________ for minions to deliver my wrath because ____________. (And remember, sea monkeys are already spoken for. Mostly)

fire breathing flying horses (Pegasus) because they’re my favorite fantasy creature (besides dragons), and I collect Pegasus statues.

Sea Monkeys are to __________ as zombie stinkbugs are to_______________.

kid’s aquariums
zombie response team weapons (hey, whatever ammo works!)

Please tell us where we can find out more about you and where we can buy your books.

At my blog sites: http://burkholv.wordpress.com ; http://writervictoria.wordpress.com

And my books can be purchased through Captiva Press (www.captivapress.com), Ellora’s Cave (www.ellorascave.com), Draumr Publishing (www.draumrpublishing.com), Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Aarons Books (the small bookstore where I work – www.aaronsbooksonline.com)

Thanks again for stopping in!
Thank you for having me!

Previet! Roller Skating and Vicky Burkholder

2011-04-04T08:16:00.009-04:00

Previet! I was checking out my Blogger stats (which can be very addictive to my inner math geek. Graphs and statistics and oooooh pie charts!) And apparently last week I had more views from Russia than the United States. So, priviet, my new friends! That's my best guess on spelling hello in Russian.

I also had a crazy spike one day on my number of views line graph. Apparently at high noon on March 28th I had seventy-four views. Crazy.

But enough about that. The oldest urchin was invited to a roller skating birthday party. She has never roller skated. She did so for the first time last night. With me.

It's been years since I was queen of the rink. Way back in the eighties, I was a skater. I could do a million laps, then take a break for a Slurpee while playing Centipede in the arcade. Nothing like a video game that's controller is a ball. Sigh, they just don't make 'em like that any more.

So in honor of my misspent youth at the roller rink, I give you - Double Dutch Bus.

Ahhh, good times.

Speaking of good times, tomorrow will be the next author interview! Vicky Burkholder will be here to answer questions about her newest futuristic romance release. Come and check it out and see how she fares on the SAT sea monkey portion of the interview!

Until tomorrow, citizens!

Happy Music and Sea Monkeys and Authors-Oh My!!

2011-03-31T08:29:00.005-04:00

The Sea Monkeys have begun to warble their war chants from the depths of my bath tub again. And we all know what that means. (If you don't, you may want to check out some back posts over on the right side of the blog. Just pick the Sea Monkey category. It's been a long war.)

They began their germ warfare last week, and I promptly lost my voice. I've been without it ever since. No amount of gargling will bring it back. So, I've decided to turn the tables on them. In addition to my chemical assault on their lair, I've taken a page out of Desert Storm's military tactics. They blasted Van Halen at Sadam's palace at all hours of the night. I'm blasting my happy songs at the Sea Monkeys.

Songs that get me pumped up to kick some sea monkey butt. You know, the ones you wish you could turn the volume up to 11 on the stereo. So turn it up as I blast these water dwelling parasites back to the sewer!

Got My Mojo Working - Muddy Waters
This clip is 7 minutes long, but worth it to watch to the end when Muddy starts dancing with his harmonica player. Priceless!

Long Live Rock - The Who
This is my favorite band. I've seen them in concert four times and loved every experience.

Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet

There's lots more where those came from. But I digress.

I wanted to thank Sue Gourley, Misty Simon and Natalie Damschroder for coming over and doing interviews. Go get their awesome books!

I have two more author interviews set up for the coming weeks. Vicky Burkholder, author of fantasy and fantasy romance will be here next week. Then in about two weeks, once she gets back from RT and settled in, Megan Hart, best known for her erotic novels, will be here to run the gauntlet of questions, including the Sea Monkey SAT portion.

But now back to the important part. What happy songs would you blare at a Sea Monkey infestation? I need to diversify my playlist, so leave me suggestions in the comments!

Natalie J. Damschroder & Flight Or Flight Author Inteview

2011-03-28T06:08:00.000-04:00

Natalie J. Damschroder is a multi-published author of contemporary and paranormal romance, with an emphasis on romantic adventure. Her 8 novels, 7 novellas, and 15 short stories have been published by Avid Press, Echelon Press, Amber Quill Press, and, most recently, Carina Press. It’s very rare for her to read a book that doesn’t have some kind of romance in it, and impossible for her to write one. But she also loves heart-pounding excitement, life-or-death stakes, and complex villains just begging to be defeated.

Thanks for agreeing to answer some interview questions about yourself and your new book.

Thanks so much for having me, Ava! I hope I don’t bore your readers too much.

So, What is your new book about?
Fight or Flight is a romantic adventure released by Carina Press on March 28.

Eighteen years ago, a group of men killed Regan Miller's boyfriend and tried to kidnap her daughter, Kelsey. Since then they have lived in hiding, always vigilant and never getting close to anyone.

When Kelsey goes away to college, Regan finally begins to relax. She even starts to think she can have a real relationship, perhaps with her flirtatious neighbor, Tyler Sloane. Then Regan is attacked again.

Desperate to get to her daughter, Regan accepts Tyler's help—despite her suspicions about him. She knows nothing about Tyler but he knows a shocking amount about her past. Tyler can't tell her what he knows or who he works for, but he insists she can't face her enemies without him. Tired of living in fear, Regan is ready to take the offensive, with Tyler by her side. But is she relying too much on a man she can't trust—and falling for him, too?

You can read excerpts here and here.

Can you share an interesting behind the scenes tidbit about your latest story?

My original working title for Fight or Flight was Unbreakable. It was a horrible title, because of the movie of the same name, and its lack of success. But it was really hard for me to break my mind away from how well it fit. It fits Regan, the heroine, who will never stop fighting to protect or save her daughter. It fits Kelsey for the same reasons, as well as other reasons I shall not disclose for those who dislike spoilers. :) Finally, after about half an hour brainstorming with some author friends, I came up with Fight or Flight, which is so much more perfect than Unbreakable I still feel stupid.

What is your favorite part of the story writing process?

I’m a flyer, so I don’t see much of the story beyond the headlights. I love when I have an epiphany while I’m writing a scene (or taking a shower—all my most brilliant ideas come in the shower), and I read over everything I’ve already written with the intent of seeding the new idea…and finding that the seeds are already there, but I didn’t know at the time what they were. It’s exhilarating to find my brain working on so many levels! :)

Writing can be such an isolated enterprise. Yet, I’m sure there are people who have helped or guided or inspired you along the way to becoming a published author. Could you tell us about one of them and how they helped you?

I’m going to give my usual suspects a break (the constant praise and thanks can be so wearying) and talk about someone from very early in my career. Ginny Aiken was the outgoing president of my local writer’s group when I first called about joining, and bringing my 7-month-old to the meeting. She was so welcoming and gracious, and made me certain I was doing what I was supposed to do. At my first RWA National conference in 2000, she sat up with me until 1:30 a.m. helping me refine my pitch for the next day. We’ve lost touch with each other over the last few years, but I’ve never forgotten all the ways she kept me from quitting writing, just by her conviction that I would eventually succeed.

Now for the S.A.T. portion of the interview:

Fill in the blank –
If I were a villain, I would have __________________ for minions to deliver my wrath because _______________________. (And remember, sea monkeys are already spoken for. Mostly)

Chupacabras
their mysteriousness and goat-sucking tendencies will strike fear into the hearts of my opponents, who will then give me whatever I demand just to avoid the parasites.

Sea Monkeys are to _______________ as zombie stinkbugs are to _______________.
Castles
Crawlspaces

Please tell us where we can find out more about you and where we can buy your books.

I’m all over the place!

My Website
Facebook
Twitter
My Main Blog
My eHarlequin Profile
My Goodreads Page
The Gab Wagon, a group author blog
Supernatural Sisters, a group author blog about the TV show Supernatural!

Fight or Flight can be purchased (or preordered) at most e-book retailers, including Carina Press, Amazon, and Barnes & Noble. Information on and buy links for my backlist can be found here.

Thanks again for stopping in!

Misty Simon & Strings Attached Author Interview

2011-03-25T06:25:00.005-04:00

Wow, what a whirlwind this new segment has turned out to be. I have three more authors lined up for interviews. Today we have author, Misty Simon, who writes books that make you laugh until you snort.

She is a multi-published author with eleven books to her credit. I love her Ivy Morris Mystery series and was sad when it came to its (very satisfying) conclusion after five wonderful installments.

Today she's here to tell us about her latest romantic comedy release, Strings Attached.

Thanks for agreeing to answer some interview questions about yourself and your new book, Misty.

So, what is your new book about?

Here’s the back blurb, baby!

Back at home after his latest tour, Chris Niles, resident jokester and lead guitarist for Lexical Diffusion, is at loose ends. His bandmates are being felled like trees by Cupid's arrow, which leaves him without a roommate or his regular buddies to hang out with. But when he meets the lovely and voluptuous Andrea one rainy afternoon, he thinks she could very well be the perfect diversion.

Andrea Wimer has recently moved back home to help her father. On her way to a house call for her father's business, she drives by Chris who is strolling along in a downpour as if he hasn't a care in the world. Her first impression is that he's crazy. When they end up running into each other later that same night, she adds sexy and fun to the original description. Smitten by his dimple-filled smile, she accepts his offer to show her his side of the town--a no strings attached kind of thing--before he leaves on tour again.

What starts out as a bit of fun becomes more than that with each passing day. As Chris finds himself opening up his heart and his past to a woman who seems content to let him go, he has to admit that his heart is involved for the first time in his life. How on earth is he going to convince Andrea that she wants more, too--the whole package, corny jokes and all--tied tight as a present with Strings Attached?

Can you share an interesting behind the scenes tidbit about your latest story?

LOL! The scene with the mixologist with his pink shirt is almost all true!

What is your favorite part of the story writing process?

I love the freshness of ideas and all the possibilities. The work is hard but then I also love having written.

Writing can be such an isolated enterprise. Yet, I’m sure there are people who have helped or guided or inspired you along the way to becoming a published author. Could you tell us about one of them and how they helped you?

There are a plethora of people who have helped and guided me. To choose one is hard, but I will say that the authors at CPRW have encouraged me and seen me through so many things that it would have been nearly impossible to go through on my own.

Now for the S.A.T. portion of the interview:

YES! MadLIBS!!!!

Fill in the blank –
If I were a villain, I would have _________ for minions to deliver my wrath because __________. (And remember, sea monkeys are already spoken for. Mostly)

I would have rabid gold fish...because no one would suspect them at the carnival!

Sea Monkeys are to _________ as zombie stinkbugs are to _______________.

washcloths :: mountains

Please tell us where we can find out more about you and where we can buy your books.

Pop on over to www.mistysimon.com for any and all info Misty. I’m also on facebook http://www.facebook.com/misty.simon#!/ so be my friend. Don’t make me beg – it’s not pretty.

Thanks again for stopping in, Misty!

Susan Gourley & Beyond The Gate Interview

2011-03-23T08:21:00.014-04:00

Today is the first entry of a new segment at Tongue In Cheek - Author Interviews. And here to kick it off is Sue Gourley, author of fantasy and fantasy romance under her pen name Susan Kelley.

Thanks for agreeing to answer some interview questions about yourself and your
new book, Sue.

So, What is your new book about?

Beyond the Gate is Book #2 in my fantasy series, The Futhark Chronicles. The book picks up the story a few moments after the first book, The Keepers of Sulbreth ended.

In this epic fantasy series the island kingdom of Futhark is besieged by a horde of demon creatures. The only way to stop them is for Keeper Sabelline Shelton and her protective Marshal, Cage Stone, to journey into a complicated network of caverns where she can use her magical skills to form a gate and trap the demons beneath the ground. But things are not what they seem. Cage and Sabelline encounter problems their education and planning has not prepared them to meet. Only by exploring Cage's lost heritage and Sabelline's courage can see them through the darkness beneath the mountains.

Can you share an interesting behind the scenes tidbit about your latest story?

After the first book many fans mentioned how they enjoyed the personal stories of some of the secondary characters in the first book. In Beyond the Gate King Jonared, Cage Stone's half brother, will have to grow into the king his people need him to be. Part of his maturation will be facing and understanding his feelings for Lady Kristall, Cage's step sister. I think readers will love their tale and perhaps even shed a tear.

What is your favorite part of the story writing process?

I recently addressed that in a blog post at http://www.susangourley.blogspot.com/

I do like writing the first draft but it usually takes me a long time. I like the second draft because I can clean up all the holes I left in the plot and catch inconsistencies. Usually I'm sick of reading it by the third draft and I have to slow down and take my time weeding out passive verbs, repetitive and weak words as well as grammar mistakes. After that, I do like doing the final edits and reading after a professional editor has done their work on it.

Writing can be such an isolated enterprise. Yet, I’m sure there are people who have helped or guided or inspired you along the way to becoming a published author. Could you tell us about one of them and how they helped you?

I met Megan Hart at a writer's conference years ago. The event was sponsored by Penn State University and was a first for both of us. We ran into each other on the elevator. Like many inexperienced writers we each had copies of our manuscripts with us. We exchanged the first few chapters and took them back to our rooms. Megan's prose blew me away it was so good. I think she used an entire red ink pen on mine. LOL. We became critique partners and continued for a few years. Her career took off and though we've remained friends we don't do critiques for each other anymore. She helped me tons during those early years.

Now for the S.A.T. portion of the interview:

Fill in the blank –
If I were a villain, I would have __________________ for minions to deliver my wrath because _______________________. (And remember, sea monkeys are already spoken for. Mostly)

I would have nanobots because they can go anywhere and reinvent themselves for the job that needs doing.

Sea Monkeys are to _______________ as zombie stinkbugs are to _______________.

The Sound of Music : JAWS

Please tell us where we can find out more about you and where we can buy your books.

The next two books in The Futhark Chronicles are completed and I have a second fantasy series in the works. I also write fantasy romance under the pen name, Susan Kelley. I have a new romance being released April 29th.

You can buy my fantasy books at Amazon or other major online retailers. My romance books are also available at most online retailers.

Thanks again for stopping in!

Thanks for having me, Ava. Your blog was one of the first blogs I started to follow.

Awww, thanks. *Ava blushes*

News You Can (Maybe) Use

2011-03-22T07:24:00.010-04:00

First off, tomorrow the wonderful Susan Gourley will be interviewed here at Tongue in Cheek. Susan Gourley writes amazing fantasy books, as well as fantasy romance books under her pen name, Susan Kelley. Stop in here to check out her thoughts about her writing and giving us information on her newest release Beyond The Gate from her series the Futhark Chronicles.

I've read the first in her new series - The Keepers of Sulbreth, and let me tell you, it was awesome. Beyond The Gate is on my wish list. I actually haven't bought it yet, so I can get it when Susan is doing a signing, but I don't think I can wait any longer! One idea I really liked is that the second book begins only moments after the first one ends.

Also, as promised, here is a picture of the new boots!

I don't usually go around wearing them with funky fishnets and a schoolgirl skirt. I was dressed up for a Zombie Prom as part of the Zombie Response Unit there to kick ass and take names. The zombie prom was in honor of a friend's birthday. This friend will actually be mentioned in Susan's interview tomorrow. So be sure to check back then to see who it is!

And finally, it's my wedding anniversary. Thanks for fourteen awesome years, sweetheart!

That's all for now, citizens. Be sure to inform me of all zombie sightings in your neighborhood. I'll be there in a flash, driving the Zombie Response Vehicle.

Diversified Possum Uses

2011-03-20T15:08:00.022-04:00

As the county's reigning 'Possum Queen for the Pot Bellied Processed 'Possum Products Company (tm), it was pointed out to me in the fine print of my contract that I should be endorsing, not only the company's fine product line of canned 'possum delights, but doing my "darned-tootinest" to further the best image of 'possum and 'possum related products.

So to that end, I offer my 'possummy endorsement of the following 'possum products and organization.

First and foremost, there's The Opossum Society of the United States. Though they focus more on keeping opossums alive instead of ingesting them.

You can also show your support by wearing your opossum on your sleeve, or wherever else you may want to.

Girls, let the world (or at least your trailer park) know of your 'possum pride. Announce your love of all things 'possum across your chest.

Guys, let the neighbors know just what you're grilling on the back porch.

Don't forget the special sauce!

For that touch of class, gents, you can always import your possum for that distinguished look to let your redneck town know you're a cut above the rest.

And ladies, for the ever discerning gal who endeavors to be her trailer park's trend setter, may I suggest 'possum nipple warmers? You'll be the envy of your trailerhood.

I know not much can follow that major statement of female 'possum fashion, but not to be outdone, men, you can even get a 'Possum Fur Willie Warmer. Apparently in several different sizes and colors.

So there you have it, folks. Your very own picture pile of 'possummy products. Let me know which are your favorites! I just can't decide.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T10:22:00.002-04:00

You may or may not remember this about me, but up until October, Chez Quinn was blessed with two border collies. Our number is now down to one. A fourteen year old sweetheart who, in my opinion, is the best dog who has ever lived. I'm sure you've had or currently have one of those.

So in honor of St. Patrick's Day and celebration of border collies -and a respectful nod to dogs everywhere- I give you this.

Do You Smell That?

2011-03-16T08:13:00.003-04:00

Do you? That, my friends, is the smell of motorcycle weather.

The Man went out to the barn on Monday and plugged the batteries of our cycles up to the battery charger. And you know what that means. I will be riding soon.

Soon, I tells ya!

And after the tough winter I've had with the eldest urchin, I could use a ride or two thousand.

I even bought new boots. Kick ass boots. Black knee-high, lace up the front combat boots. Pictures will be forth coming.

So what smell is in the air for you? Any spring plans you're looking forward to?

Coming Soon- Author Interviews!

2011-03-14T08:36:00.004-04:00

This month I'll be starting something new for the blog. Author interviews.

Three friends of mine have books being released in the coming weeks. I thought it would be great to hear from them, so I sent them each interview questions - with a Tongue In Cheek slant. (You didn't really think I could ask interview questions without working in Sea Monkeys, did you?) So, be sure to check those out soon.

My writing had come to a grinding halt with all the urchin goings on. She had to get two vaccination booster shots and is scheduled for more blood work next month. The brave little urchin did well with the shots. She wouldn't look away and watched the whole time again. And an added blessing to Mama Urchin was she didn't cry.

But I'm trying to get back in the saddle with some word counts. I have lots of manuscripts to choose from, but each one has problems I'm not ready to or feel capable of fixing at the moment. I tried writing something new, just for enjoyment, but the joy got sucked out of it for me when I shared it with others prematurely. *sigh* I really need to listen to my gut more.

So now I'm trying to to figure out where to go to jump back in. My goal this week is to find where the baby wading pools of my wips are and dip in a toe. You can be sure I'll be wearing my water wings!

Crazy Field Trips

2011-03-07T14:54:00.002-05:00

Last month I finally went on a field trip that I'd been wanting to go on for years. I toured . . . and Army/Navy surplus store. It was awesome. Everything I'd dreamed. I'm still reeling from the overpowering experience.

I wanted to tour at least one since I use one in a manuscript. I really wanted the feel of the place, and man did I pick a great one to tour. Drop ceiling with knife holes in it, old uneven linoleum tiles, dark ambiance. There was even a huge bomb hanging from the ceiling. Not to mention the large array of weapons and the holsters to carry them.

So now I want to go on my next tour. This one will be like visiting great vineyards in the Napa Valley. Only seedier.

I want to visit dive bars. Little dirty holes-in-the-wall where people go to drink themselves into oblivion. Places that are characters unto themselves. Establishments that a girl on her own may not feel entirely safe. Biker bars, scary honkytonks, city bars, bars on the wrong side of the tracks in little dying towns. Man, I can't wait.

So, where do you want to visit that may be out of the ordinary realm of tourist attractions? And if you're a writer, how far do you go for your research?

Turn Around, Bright Eyes

2011-02-28T21:59:00.006-05:00

We're going to slow it down a little now for a couples skate with Bonnie Tyler. Whether he skates you backward around the rink or you go with the option for the less coordinated - holding hands- please remember that it's couples only.

If you want the all skate, check here.

The Results Are In . . . Mostly

2011-02-27T20:34:00.003-05:00

We got the cat scan results back. They found nothing out of the ordinary. We've also gotten most of the blood work results as well. They look fine. Which is great.

Now those things are ruled out, but we still don't know what's wrong or how to treat it. So I'm going with a no news is good news mentality.

I was going to try and add something funny or twisted to the end of this post, but, I got nothin'. I'll try to get something good going for tomorrow. Until then, citizens.

Two Firsts Today

2011-02-22T23:28:00.001-05:00

My daughter lost her first tooth and had her first cat scan today.

That's just not right.

Holding Pattern

2011-02-20T21:03:00.005-05:00

The oldest Urchin had her blood work done Friday morning. They took five tubes. Five tubes. From my six year old. She was a trooper. She didn't cry or anything. She even watched the whole thing. I usually look away when I get it done. But she was a brave little toaster.

The cat scan is set for Tuesday afternoon. I've put a positive spin on that one. She seems excited. But she was excited for the head x-ray two months ago, yet when we walked in, she panicked. That was an experience. Forcing her to do these things, when I'd rather have root canal the Marathon Man way instead. (Is it safe?)

I was at a funeral today. It was for a distant relative, through marriage. But funerals take it out of me.

On a completely different note . . .

To my favorite author, whose latest book in her series featuring my favorite character that I'd been anticipating for months. The book which I purchased the day it came out for full price, no less. I give you the Otto DISAPPOINTED!

I have four words for you. Phoned in. and Irredeemable hero.

On a slightly related note - I adore the character of Otto. If I could somehow combine him with Molly Millions, a.k.a Sally Shears -

I would be in hog heaven.

Definite Derailment

2011-02-17T20:33:00.003-05:00

When your child's doctor says things to you like, "Let's put her back on the steroid", six days after she went off it - that's one spike pulled up from the track. Then when she goes on to say, "Let's put her on this strong antibiotic for the next 21 days," -there goes another spike.

Then when the specialist orders things like blood work and a cat scan and discusses perhaps referring your six year old to a different specialist, that's it. Total Derailment.

Her long term illness (since September, if you've been following along) is still there, so the doctor is bumping up to a more aggressive treatment. So I may or may not be posting as regularly as before. Not that it has been all that regular recently. (See above for the reason why.)

So, yeah. I'm a little shaken, but hopeful. I'm in that wait-and-see holding pattern where the screaming panic in my gut is still locked down by logic and reason. I'm hoping it stays right there.

Counter Culture

2011-02-15T13:18:00.005-05:00

From Ozzy to opera. From Let Me Hear You Scream to The Queen of the Night's second aria from Mozart's The Magic Flute. It's an extremely demanding piece. Considered to be one of the most difficult aria's to perform.

The Queen of the Night is charging her daughter with the duty of killing her rival or being disowned.

If you wnt to hear another amazing soprano piece, check this out.

Derailment

2011-02-11T20:24:00.003-05:00

So, between a sick kiddo and crappy writer attitude I've gotten off track. We'll see if I launch a come-back any time soon.

Maybe I need a little Ozzy scream therapy.

Watch at your own risk. This video is definitely F.U.B.A.R.

Smiles All Around

2011-02-08T10:37:00.007-05:00

Author and friend, Sue Gourley, nominated me for the You Make Me Smile Award.

Which was very nice of her, but half the time I think I make most people cringe.
coughzombiestinkbugscough

I'd like to pass this award on to two* other bloggers whose pages always make me smile.

Victoria Smith
and
Melissa Jordan

Go check them out and savor the snarky goodness that is their blogs.

*There are several other blogs that make me smile, but in case these guys wish to pass the award on, I want to leave them some choices.

Delinquent 'Possum Queen

2011-02-03T09:09:00.016-05:00

I've been very derelict in my 'Possum Queen duties as of late. So I figured I'd give you a special behind the scenes glimpse of the pageant.

There were many qualified contestants. Vera, for instance. She was some tough competition.

Here was one of our distinguished judges.

The talent competition was fierce. Between the hog calling and tying, the bologna frying and the goat yodeling, it definitely wasn't a cake walk. In the end, Berthalynn and her toilet seat/horseshoe throwing skills took it. Don't be confused by the mustache, folks. She's a sweet gal and a helluva kisser.

I was honored to receive the coveted crown from last year's 'Possum Queen, Pattikins Parker.

My lawn bowling experience and familiarity with pink flamingos pushed me over the top, though. As stated before, it didn't hurt that I had all my own teeth. It was a bit of a struggle to get the crown to stay on along with my pointy hat, but I think the over all effect was rather enticing.

Since I'm supposed to talk more about the merits of 'possum meat, I'll save the pictures of the bathing suit competition for a later date.

With Groundhog Day here and taking all the glory right now, the Eatin' 'Possum Council would like me, their current County 'Possum Queen, to say a few words about the varied possum-bilites of the edible possum - "The Third White Meat, Sorta".

There's broiled 'possum and grilled 'possum and don't forget canned creamed 'possum on toast, affectionately referred to as CRaP on a shingle. There's also fried bologna and possum casserole - heavy on the mayo- with potato chip crust.

So in your Super Bowl and Ground Hog Day festivities, don't forget to have some 'possum lying round the table for the party! I'm sure your guests will thank you.

I Heart Crappy Books

2011-01-25T18:22:00.003-05:00

Oh, yes I do! There are several in my ebook collection as well as my bound book collection. And yes, they are keepers!

I love books with plot holes, bad transitions, cardboard villains, poor punctuation, and adverbs galore. Books with dues ex machina endings. Books that suddenly shift genres in the middle. Books with heroes and heroines who are too stupid to live. Books where heroes would need tentacle parts and be made out of rubber to be able to actually pull off the sex scene.

Wanna know why?

Because it gives me hope. If these are getting published, then why not mine?

I'm not saying that I make all those blunders I listed above. There are some that I do. (I'll let you ponder which ones.) But whenever I get really down on my writing- like now- I pull out one of these little gems and read and laugh and fan that tiny ember of hope within my little writer's heart that someday, I too might get published.

Does It Make Me Pathetic If...

2011-01-22T15:18:00.006-05:00

I still want Freezy Freakies?

I always wanted them when I was a kid, but never had them. I found a pair on ebay, but of course they only come in kids' sizes. *sigh*

So things around Chez Quinn have again gone into ludicrous speed. We may have even gone into plaid. I'm a little unsure at the moment. So suffice it to say, not a lot of writing is getting done. Yet for some reason I find the time to fantasize about Freezy Freakies. Go figure.

I've reached my monthly goal for my writing group, but not my weekly goal for my accountability partner. Check in is tomorrow with her. Hopefully she's not reading this and preparing to kick my ass.

So what crazy stuff is going on in your life? Anyone so out of control that they've reached plaid? (And you earn a Chez Quinn salute if you tell me the movie to which I'm alluding.)

The Chez Quinn salute looks a little like this:

Heard From The Back Seat

2011-01-17T17:00:00.004-05:00

- Um, unicorn, I can't help you right now. My babies are trying to kill me.
- I have my duckies. (Imaginary ones) The green one bites, so watch out. His teeth are huge. The purple one just gives kisses.
- EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...Eeeeeeeeeeeeee....eeeuuuueeeeee
- No! I'm not talking to you! I'm Cinderella and I'm DEAD!!! So No Talking!

My mechanic once noted that no car seats could fit on the back of my motorcycle. I turned to him and replied sweetly, "That's kinda the point."

B. B. King Is A National Treasure

2011-01-11T07:18:00.005-05:00

Chez Quinn started the year off right. Not only did The Man and I get to go on a date, but he took me to see B. B. King. It was an outstanding show.

We've seen B. B. King on two other occasions. The first time was a few days before 9/11 in Hershey, PA where he performed with Buddy Guy (who is AWESOME too) and John Hiatt. The second time was three and a half years ago when I was eight months pregnant. So technically, the youngest urchin has been to a B. B. King concert too. The sound table was obstructing our view of that one. But things turned out fantastic because we were moved to the third row where I could see every fret on Lucille.

The Man and I really wanted to see him again, since we knew he's getting up there in age. He announced at the concert that he is now 85 years old. And let me tell you, the man can still rock. I did see some signs of him slowing down a bit. I don't know if you've seen him in concert, but he talks to the crowd quite a bit and is funny as hell. The night we went, he was forgetting his place in stories and couldn't remember what he'd been talking about a few times. But the singing and guitar playing were brilliant.

His band has been with him for years. The new guy has only been with him for twenty years, so you know these are top notch musicians. They put on a great show too.

After his performance, Mr. King threw guitar picks to the crowd, posed for pictures from the stage and signed anything handed to him. For thirty minutes. The man is a class act. He's been an ambassador for the United states and has toured over ninety countries.

On the way home, talking about the show, I commented that B. B. King was a national treasure. In Japan, people can become living national treasures when they are "keepers of intangible cultural properties." And I believe with all my heart that B. B. King is one of The United States' living national treasures.

So The Man and I started playing one of our favorite games. "Who/What Would Be On Your List?" And I want to play this game with you. Who would be on your list of Living National Treasures of the United States of America?

I'd truly love to know!

Writing Advice

2011-01-07T20:43:00.003-05:00

No, not from me to you. At this point I'd be the last person to take writing advice from. I just wanted to share some advice I read in two different places last month that really stuck with me. Here it is.

Don't be afraid to write a crappy first draft. You can always go back and clean it up later, but you can't fix a blank screen.

Seems pretty obvious, right? I think I was finally ready to really hear it last month. I've been yelling at myself to finish a wip, any wip, for the past year, but for one reason or another it didn't get done. I'm not sure if this advice will help with that endeavor, but it's really resonating with me.

I was getting in my own way whenever I found the time to write last year. This year I'm going to make a concerted effort to turn off the nay-saying voice that drones in my head as I write, and just get the story out.

Easier said than done, in my case. But I'll give it a shot. Though at this point the nay-saying voice turns into Yoda.

So, is there any writing advice that you heard when you were actually ready to hear it? Or maybe some advice that really stuck with you. I'd love to know what it was.

2010 Tongue In Cheek Review

2010-12-31T13:50:00.006-05:00

So it's really the last day of 2010? I guess I'd better get on my year in review then, huh?

January
I exposed my Wii addiction and revealed my super villain plans, trying to convert the Sea Monkey colony who lives in my tub to become my minions and deliver my wrath. I worked on those Sea Monkeys all year, and dangit they're still holding out. I also polled the TiC audience about bad boys vs nice guys.

February
We got a buttload of snow, I wrote a bit and continued to hone my super villain plans. Costumes were voted on and negotiations continued with the Sea Monkeys in order for them to agree in helping me to deliver my wrath.

March
March brought more super villain planning, and an attempt to lure different minions to serve me. A Ukelele theme song was discussed. Casa de Quinn went to DC to see the Terracotta Warriors and The Man and I went to see La Boheme. I revealed my love of Rube Goldberg machines and had a very close call with becoming a chrysalis. A VERY close call. I rounded out the month with a story about karaoke in the pokey.

April
I had a stink bug perched on my tooth brush one early April morning. My father was admitted to the hospital and I gave my Kick Ass Heroine presentation to the Valley Forge Romance Writers. (No actual asses were kicked in the presenting of this program.) And I discovered the process of corset piercing. Could have done without that last one.

May
I had to conduct a long distance polka intervention on my parents' behalf. (No one thinks it can happen to them, but the horrors of the polka really do exist.) And I went to my chapter's writing retreat! Yay!

June
I extolled the merits of the mullet, and had a jelly bean and Taco Bell induced epiphany late one evening.

July
I wore my farmer tan with pride to the beach and admitted that I'm somewhat technologically deficient (and i like it that way).

August
Secret confession IV - I love me some rummage. And I believe there's a lid for every pot.

September
I blogged about Sasquatch shanghis and computer technical difficulties.

October
We lost our little border collie, Sadie and got the flu. I also wrote a very strongly worded letter to the squirrel residing in our barn.

November
I became the county's reigning 'Possum Queen and ridiculed tree knitters.

December
And finally, December. I shared my theory on why zombie stinkbugs are living in the sewers. I wanted to make ninjabread men for Christmas and put the motorcycle away for the winter.

There it is in a really big nutshell. We'll see what type of nuttiness busts out of 2011's shell. See you next year!
~A

Merry Muppet Christmas

2010-12-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

Hope you had a great holiday!

My New Anti-Christmas Spirit Game

2010-12-20T15:47:00.005-05:00

I've been playing this game for a few days now.

Garden Gnome Carnage

It's crazy. As a bungeeing yard gnome - see, it was made for me- you have to fend off elves and santas arriving in sleighs, with a brick. Plus you can call in air strikes. Oooh! Ooooh! And you can create a brickopacolypse by exploding all the bricks off your moving building. Just don't let those damn elves get to your chimney or it's all over.

Enjoy!

My New Favorite Winter Song

2010-12-20T06:37:00.000-05:00

Saturday night, I snuck out of the security compound, known as Chez Quinn, and saw a band called Seasons. They were very good. They brought a bunch of friends with them, including an excellent singer, Mary Callahan. She sang this song called Snowfall. Her voice is very similar to the singer performing it on yotube, though I thought Mary's was a little better.

I love the imagery in this song. I also love how snow isn't really something you'd compare to love. But it works for me. Hope you enjoy it.

I Wanna Make These

2010-12-16T11:19:00.007-05:00

This is on my Christmas wish list.

I want to make Ninjabread men. Decorate a gingerbread house where they're launching an assault with ninjabread throwing stars.

Can you tell where my holiday spirit-o-meter is pointing?

E for empty.

Hope yours if fuller than mine!

It's Been Quite A Fall

2010-12-13T11:06:00.005-05:00

Season, that is. Fall has been tough over here at Chez Quinn. From September to now, both of the Urchins have been very ill. Ill as in the doctor's office that never prescribes antibiotics did for both. More than once. The three year old urchin was on them twice in as many months. The six year old urchin is finishing up her third round of them. And they're still not 100%. *sigh*

The Oldest Urchin has been having a very rough time of it. She saw a specialist twice this month and is finally showing some signs of improvement. She's a trooper. (I've been pretty worried, to tell the truth.) The long term sickness has doubled my laundry, and I've napalmed the house three times from top to bottom. Which takes days of scrubbing and gassing.

The sea monkey tribe fought valiantly, but I have definitely reduced their numbers in the scouring frenzy. I anticipate a retaliatory attack any day now.

There have been meetings and school runs and school volunteering and cleaning and doctor's visits and pharmacy runs and more meetings with the blue hairs and a dog dying and sick days and a funeral and the general all around craziness of Thanksgiving and Christmas. There's lots more, but you get it.

So amidst all the craziness and running around and mothering, I haven't done much writing. Late in the summer I had resolved to finish Brass In Pocket before RWA National, but things have changed. I've decided for monetary reasons that I won't be going to National this year.

I also let myself off the hook on Brass. I haven't had the energy or time to do much writing and I was forcing myself to open that WIP. So I decided I'd start something new, figuring that writing is better than not writing. Right?

So all my grand ideas of upping my game in regards to writing have gone down the drain. How do you keep writing through the chaos? Especially when you don't have deadlines chasing you down like the hounds of hell? Being unpublished allows me to set it aside. A little too easily.

So I need more resolve, I guess. I have guilt -in spades- but that's not giving me the follow through.

How do you find the time and energy to write through the chaos?

Stinkbugs In The Sewer

2010-12-07T14:19:00.010-05:00

So I was thinking. One of my more dangerous past times, I know. And had a terrifying epiphany of sorts.

As I gingerly carried yet another tissue enshrouded stinkbug to its watery grave via the toilet, it hit me. This has to be the primary way most people dispose of stinkbugs. You can't squash them, or you'll be engulfed in an unholy smell that may just be a sentient being in its own right. So you capture them and flush them alive.

Down to the sewer.

This practice may have unwittingly created a situation rife with apocalyptic potentiality.

STINKBUGS IN THE SEWER
*cue echoing effect and scary dant dant daaaaaa music*

Yes, stinkbugs in the sewer. Not unlike Alligators in the sewer.

Except stinkbugs are swarmers. My brain keeps terrifying me with images of crazed mutant stinkbugs hopped up on toxic sewer gasses, rampaging across cities in devouring hordes - scarab beetle style a la The Mummy.

But I can't come up with a different disposal system. What shall we do? How can we stop adding more numbers to their growing sewer army without unleashing a scent clearly from the bowels of Hell?

I'm stumped. The comments are open for your suggestions.

Stretchy Pants

2010-12-05T22:40:00.001-05:00

And sometimes when you're a woman, too.