Monday, September 15, 2014

When We Last Left Our Intrepid Heroine...

She was escaping from crazed kidnapping carny folk. (As such)

Okay, that's not quite the truth.

What is the truth is that life around here at Chez Quinn has been hectic to say the least.

The BFF is getting married Saturday, and the Urchins and I are all in it. Youngest Urchin is in freakout mode. She cannot do the wedding walk and toss petals at the same time. So now it's become this huge psychotic psychological block. Which I have done every good mom thing there is to assuage her fears, and now it's just funny. My girl apparently can't walk and chew bubble gum.  I have not informed the bride. Waiting to see how it pans out on Saturday. Hilarity will, I'm sure, ensue.

My mother-in-law had her cancer surgery, and it looks like no radiation treatment will be necessary. Hooray!

My father-in-law has finally gotten over his month long pneumonia, but it put his heart back into atrial fibrillation. He had his heart converted with the paddles of life/AED last week. Receiving an electro shock while awake. This is the 6th time they've had to do it. He's still recovering, but his heart is back in rhythm.

Back to school has been bumpier than usual. The three year olds are still crying. My job is now officially called Snot Sweat and Tears. Decontamination showers will be installed outside the door to my house  shortly.

Youngest Urchin is having her back to school separation issues, which twists the knife in me but good as they say.

Oldest Urchin loves school but has enormous amounts of homework and wants to start playing an instrument.

Lots of other goings on have been taking over my life, but I've bored you enough already. Time to dive back into the crazy.

And here it is.

While camping for two weeks this summer, at our first stop, I found an example of the importance of the proper use of commas. This sign was posted at the first campground we stayed in.

Ava Quinn, contemporary romance author, contemporary romance, funny blog, humor blog, contemporary western romance, hot romance novels
Way to insult your guests, there, campground.
Were all the adults of the campground deemed "slow"? Or was there a subset of adults in the slow group? Did they drive the short campers? And most importantly, was I included in the description of slow adults? I refused to believe my mental capacities should be called into question, especially after I discovered something even more significant than the improper exclusion of a comma.

This pole, with its insulting sign, is secretly a portal to hell. Why? Because it smelled like goat. Yes. Goat. And no I didn't sniff the pole. It emanated goat smell. And as anyone who has watched the episode Red Rum from The Mentalist knows, Cho, my favorite character, has declared goats are of the devil. And I believe him. (I can't find that particular clip anywhere on the web, so here's a different equally funny Cho clip. Just pretend it's the other one.)

Anywho, back to the pole. We had to pass it on our walk to the pool. And every time I came near it, there was the smell of a thousand goats. But the horrific stench wasn't everywhere, like when a skunk gets flattened on the roadside. No, this was in one specific spot. Two steps in any direction from said spot, and the smell...disappeared.

Me walking, stops. To the Man: What is that smell?

The Man: What smell?

Me: The one that smells like the insides of a hundred goats in the middle of the desert.

The Man, gives me the look he saves for when he really thinks I've gone off reservation: Yeah, I don't smell anything.

Me: Come here. I'll watch the girls. Just stand right here and tell me that stench wouldn't knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.

The Man, vaguely standing in spot in middle of road where I placed him: That's Epoxy or something.

Me: You are so wrong.

The Man staunchly refused to recognize the imminent peril our family was in and instead made his way blithely with the Urchins to the pool. But I knew. I knew there was evil emanating from that pole. It was only because of the constant vigilance on my part that we weren't sucked down into the bowels of Hell every time we passed that bad boy. And thus we were able to continue our vacation as I, the unsung hero, herded the young 'uns past that pole with all due haste.

So to my family I say, "You're welcome."

And since we survived the devil's telephone pole, I was able to go on and have other crazed camping adventures which I will reveal in my next post.

Until next time, Citizens! Stay away from goat reeking devil poles!


M.J. Fifield said...

I always make it a point to stay away from goat-reeking devil poles.

Hope things get less hectic for you soon!

Pat Hatt said...

lol have to watch those slow adults. Damn, you really have a ton on the go at your show

The Spooky Whisk said...

Holy pumpkin seeds, but you've got a lot going on. Hope it settles down soon.

Sherry Ellis said...

An evil goat pole? That is too weird! Yay you for saving your family!

Carol Kilgore said...

Love Cho!

I know why you escaped the clutches of hell. Because it only wanted Slow Adults :)

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

Recognizing the malevolent gateway to the netherworld proves you're not one of the slow adults.
It is so nice to not care about the start of school. Hope your tikes stop crying soon or you'll be in the middle of flu season with all those mucus products spreading their viruses to you. Just a thought.

Loni Townsend said...

LOL. Makes me think of a particular Cake song. I'm glad you escaped the evil goat pole with your souls. Hopefully. :)

Liz Blocker said...

Oh lordy, do you make me laugh. I was LOL-ing like a crazy person through most of this post. A few faves: the youngest urchin not being able to walk and throw petals (and the bride will not care, because it will be fantastic), the decontamination showers outside the house, "SLOW ADULTS" - playing, no less, and the unholy stench of goat.

Your life is NEVER boring. You can regale me with stories as long as you want.

S.K. Anthony said...

Oh my gosh the goat pole for slow adults! LOL
You crack me up :D

S.K. Anthony

Empty Nest Insider said...

Glad your MIL is doing well, and I hope your FIL is on the mend soon. I would like a copy of that sign, as I'm a slow adult. I'm even late for appointments in my own home. Hope you had a great time at the wedding!


Stephanie Faris said...

Busy time! Hope the wedding went well. Even when a young member of the wedding party messes up, the audience enjoys watching. In fact, some of the cutest wedding moments ever have happened when the flower girl or ring bearer went off course!

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