Monday, October 27, 2014

A Trek To The Unholy Land Of Hideous Muumuus

I had a crazy camping meltdown back in July. Shocking, but true. Two weeks in a pop up camper without tv or internet will do that to a girl.

We were in Maine, having a grand old time. Only problem? The bathhouse was waaaaay far away from the camper. And I was getting weirded out walking there in my pjs due to some of the cro magnon tent campers who opened their beer bottles and cans of corned beef hash with their teeth as they eyed us wimmin folk (me and my two young daughters) on our way to the bathhouse.
So my fevered camping brain decided my best defense was a truly hideous muumuu. Because, really, what other defense is there? Nothing trumps hideous muumuu.

The man, reading the crazy in my eye, correctly chose to take me looking for one. Five stores and three hours later, the family tromped into Walmart. Now, I'm desperate beyond all comprehension if I'm willing to walk into a Walmart in the first place. On principle I refuse to shop there and contribute to the decline of Western civilization.

The Urchins are about to become unglued, The Man has that determined manly "I-will-fix-this-if-it-kills-me" crazed glint in his eyes, and I, who despises shopping, am ready for the loony bin.

Then, I see them. And, they're indescribably hideous.

Ava Quinn, humor blog, funny blog, contemporary romance writer, contemporary romance author,  ugly mumus
The horror!!
Ava Quinn, humor blog, funny blog, contemporary romance writer, contemporary romance author,  ugly mumus
Look at the varied selection behind these two winners.

Ava Quinn, humor blog, funny blog, contemporary romance writer, contemporary romance author,  ugly mumus
This one has a zipper opening for easy on and off. Umm, off, please.
I mean, Mrs. Roper's muumuus had nothing on these. Faced with their hideousness, I just...couldn't pull the trigger. I couldn't buy, let alone wear, any of them. So, disgruntled and defeated, we trudged out of the evil store, into the dark night and back to the campground.

Where--we found that the insane, monkey-toed, inbred, knuckle-dragging, banjo-dueling, tent campers had vacated the premises. Leaving behind scary remnants of their encampment for future archaeologists to puzzle over.

So we were all winners in the end. The Man earned good-husband points for attempting to fix my crazy. The Urchins learned that power-shopping doesn't pay, and I could walk un-ogled to the bathhouse.

Moral of the story? Muumuus trump inbred evilness by proximity alone.

Until next time, Citizens!


Mina Lobo said...

That "Leaving behind scary remnants of their encampment for future archaeologists to puzzle over." bit made me LOL. Hilarious post, and GREAT title!

I'm with you on not shopping at Walmart. EVER, if I can bloody well avoid it, which I bloody well can.

For future reference, I've got an idea which, for repelling unwelcome cro-magnon, must prove more useful (and cheaper) than a mumu—passing gas. 'Cause, you know, ick. :-)

The Happy Whisk said...

That was well-written and super funny. Really good post, no shit, I loved it.

Pat Hatt said...

lol wow those are so ugly they'll keep you up at night lol glad no more banjos played. Another reason I hate camping.

Melissa said...

ROFL. Too funny! xD

Elizabeth Seckman said...

My mother always wore those things, and surprisingly, we didn't have a house full of cats. But she swore to their comfort and coolness. Me? I always opt for the sweat pants and overs sized tee- we all know that's high fashion.

Ava Quinn said...

@Mina- Hey, girl!! Good to see you! LOL Flatulence as a cheaper line of defense. I LOVE IT!!

@Spooky- ;D

@Pat- I have quite a list of the things I hate about camping, but I never thought a lack of mumus would be on it.

@Melissa- ;P Thanks!

@Elizabeth- Ahh, if only I could spend my life in that kind of high fashion. I'd be in heaven!

Chemist Ken said...

So does this mean you'll be bringing mumus to your next camping trip, just in case?

Liz Blocker said...

Best. Blog Title. Ever.


Also, please don't a) go into a Walmart, or b) try to buy a mumu, ever again. Please.

Wait, I take that back. Please do, and then write about it, because it's freaking hilarious.

Liz Blocker said...

Oh, this is one of my favorite posts. I have a growing/evolving Top 5 Tongue in Cheek posts, and this made it on the list :)

Sherry Ellis said...

Yeah. Those are really ugly! I didn't even know they were called Mumus. I think it's an appropriate name, though!

Loni Townsend said...

LOL! Mumus remind me of my next door neighbor when I was growing up. It was all she ever wore...

Crystal Collier said...

LOL! I wouldn't have been able to do it either. *shudders* Tender mercies, eh?

Unleashing the Dreamworld

Unknown said...

I think my mom wore some of those mumus. They truly discourage ogling. Camping's not for me - but you're rockin' it! :)

Ava Quinn said...

@Chemist Ken-Best defense is a good offense!

@Liz- You made my day!!

@Sherry- Absolutely it is!!

@Loni- Aw, man. Nothing but mumus. Yikes!

@Crystal- You said it!

@Lexa- LOL!!

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