Tuesday, April 1, 2014

AtoZ Ava's Apocalypse

Hello AtoZers! Welcome to Tongue In Cheek, where everything is true, except for the stuff that isn't. I'm Ava Quinn, and this year I'll be posting reruns from the best of Tongue In Cheek (according to me) so you can get a better understanding of just how crazy it gets around here.

This first rerun comes from March 2012. In 2010, I staged a polka intervention for my parents who live in Montana. They were getting out of hand, so I sent liberal doses of Burt Bacharach, Lionel Richie and other easy listening standards to calm things down. And at the time, I may have said a few derogatory inflammatory not nice things about Polka.

Well an Eastern European renegade pro-polka group apparently took offense to some of the things I posted and remotely took over my blog for a time, using a high tech, tricked out schnitzel truck. But with some help from the Gnome Defense League's Gnome Underground Network (G.U.N.), who I used to do a little wet work for, and a core group of devoted local rednecks, I was able to prevail. So here are the last two Polkapocalypse posts from that year for you to enjoy.





I mean, are they not the Charlie's Angels of rednecks?

I've gotten some intel back on the enemy. Most of the early disconcerting pictures have a striking resemblance to the famous images of the retreating Sasquatch. But I've finally received some definitive information on their most infamous polkaing teams. Their lederhosen are color coded based on their areas of expertise.

GREEN - Camouflage infiltration and snipers.

ORANGE - Demolitions experts.

picture from theguardian.com

I'm not sure what these guys do yet, but I have my suspicions.


Right now that's not important. Everything's set in motion. By this time tomorrow, God willing, I'll have my blog back.

The Polka Underground is going down!

 The Polkapocalypse Is Over!

It was a long and grueling struggle, but the Gnome/Hillbilly Contingency prevailed. We rousted those polka playing zealots right back to the underground where they belong.

With the Gnome Defense League's infamous element of surprise on our side and the crack redneck special forces behind us, we handed them their asses.

We had gnomes hidden everywhere - armed to the teeth.

We even had Gnome Commandos dropping from the roof like a scourge of the skies.

We meant business.

But don't be fooled. The schnitzel truck was no easy target. Those polka fiends brought the big guns. Literally.

It was a fierce and bloody battle and there were casualties on both sides.

But as the Redneck S.W.A.T. team laid down cover fire, a hootin' and a-hollerin' the whole time, Ninja Gnome crept in and planted explosives on the schnitzel truck.

And the war was won!

The after party was what legends are made of. It went on for a week. I've finally just taken back my yard. That's what took so long in bringing you the final update on the Polka Apocalypse.

Look for the party recap soon. Until then, Citizens: Beware the demon rhythms of the Polka!!!


Natasha Duncan-Drake said...

LOL - redneck SWAT team and Gnomes! Thank you, I needed a laugh.
Tasha's Thinkings

Andrea said...

Now THAT is how to hang with your gnomies! Awesome!

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

I think I recognized one of my uncles on the redneck swat team. At least my Phillies gnome didn't get drafted into the war.

Sarah Balding said...

I desperately want to own ninja gnome. Next time you take on the Evils of Polka, call me, Ok? I want some of that action. :)

Sarah Balding said...

I desperately want to own ninja gnome. Next time you take on the Evils of Polka, call me, Ok? I want some of that action. :)

susan said...

thank you - very amusing though a tad long

Ava Quinn said...

@Tasha Glad you enjoyed it!

@Andrea Hanging with the gnomies-Bwahaa haa haa!!! Fantastic!

@Sue Thank him for coming to my rescue, wouldja? (Go Philllies!!)

@Sarah- You're totally in! And EVERYBODY wants a piece of Ninja Gnome.

DL Kreis said...

Dropped in to return the favor of a visit. Hilarious! LOVE it!

Cheryl said...

This is a riot. As if gnomes didn't scare me enough already.

Thanks for visiting The Busy Mom's Daily.

debi o'neille said...

Thanks for giving me lots of laughs. Enjoyed your humorous writing. I also just joined as a follower to your blog, but for some reason I couldn't get it to take my photo. Probably a good idea, anyway. :-) Thanks for the read and see you around the A to Z.

randi lee said...

Haven't laughed this hard in a while! And how creative. Loved your post!

Marci Koski said...

I. Love. This. Although I fear that, being Finnish and raised to the tunes of my accordion-playing grampa, I might have a little polka in my blood. It's ok though...I completely empathize with the reaction of wanting to rip the ears from your head upon detecting an imminent polka party in the area. But I digress. More gnomes! More rednecks! More everything!!! :D

Lexa Cain said...

You are absolutely a riot!! I can't even pick my favorite part, but I especially loved the ninja gnome or the randy-looking liederhosen guys. Yay for the hillbilly and gnome brigade!! :)

Crystal Collier said...

LOL! That was epic. Remind me never to start a war with you--me or my scientists.

Jo said...

You are nuts. What an epic. Bit long for the A to Z but still. Does Father Dragon know about you and your dwarves. Or the Ninja Captain Alex R. Cavenaugh?


Jenna,Mark Drady said...

hahahahahaha!!!!! That might just be one of the funniest blogs I have ever read!!!! LOL!!!
SO glad I came by to take a look !
Thanks for popping by my blog today!
I am a new follower of yours!
Happy A to Z!!
ღ husky hugz ღ frum our pack at Love is being owned by a husky!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That was awesome! I approve of the use of Ninja Gnome. Very stealthy.
And I don't want to know what those guys do...

Liz Blocker said...

You, my friend, are hilarious. AND creative and resourceful. I mean, where on earth did you find a picture of a gnome carrying a bazooka??? It's weird and quirky and ridiculous and I love it. Love love love it.

Ava Quinn said...

@DL Glad you stopped by and enjoyed! Many stop by and back away warily!

@Cheryl I'm glad you liked it, and any time!

@debi You're welcome;) There must be some bad polka vibes lingering that blocked you're picture. Sorry about that! Thanks for the follow!

@randi I'm glad it made you laugh! That's the best medicine, right?

@Marci Oh Nooo! Not accordions! lol! And never fear, there will be more. Probably too much more! Thanks!

@Lexa lol! Does it make me weird if like you even more now that your favorites were the randy lederhosen guys?

@Crystal Never get in a land war in Asia. But only slightly lesser known is Never go in against a Sicillian when death's on the line!!! That's good advice for people who know rednecks and gnomes too. lol!

@Jo Thanks, Jo. I try to bring a little insanity to the world every day. And yes, some of my posts get a little long, but this was a double, so..

@Jenna *blushing* Thanks! I really appreciate that. Glad you enjoyed it! And thanks for the follow!

@Alex Thanks! And, I don't want to know what those guys do either.

@Liz Awwwww! Thanks, Liiiiz!

LuAnn Braley said...

The folks you meet doing the A to Z! Sorry it took so long to comment, but it took awhile to get back up off the floor where I had fallen after laughing so hard. Now I have to find out what happens in the post-apolkalypse. It looks like roving bands of lederhosen clad polka terrorists in the streets. Scary!

LuAnn Braley
AJ's Hooligans @AtoZChallenge
Back Porchervations

Danielle L Zecher said...

Rednecks are certainly a determined and well-armed bunch. :-)

Heather M. Gardner said...


I'm freakin' die-ing over here!

This was an awesome post.


Ava Quinn said...

@LuAnn The post party was epic. So glad you enjoyed yourself over here! :)

@Danielle Too true. Toooooo true!

@Heather Thank you so much!! :D

40Plus Teenager said...


Ava Quinn said...

@40+ Thanks! :)

Andi-Roo TheWorldForRealz said...

Gnomes versus Polka. I freaking love it! You have a great imagination and I really enjoyed this peek at what's going on in your head.

Complaints of "too long" are silly. This was perfect, unless you have the attention span of a gnat! Can't wait to read more of your silly fun stuffs! :)

I'm participating in AtoZ, too.
See you around!

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