Tuesday, April 15, 2014

AtoZ Merits of the Mullet & Magnificent Mutton Chops

Howdy AtoZ Participants and welcome to my (red)neck of the trailerhood! The Best Of Tongue In Cheek is the theme for me this year. I hope you've been following along with all the mayhem and madness. Today I couldn't choose which M post to share, so for your consideration I give you The Merits of the Mullet and Mutton Chops- a closer study of the sideburn.  Enjoy and y'all come back now, ya hear?

The Merits of the Mullet

So, yeah. Things are pretty much chaos at Casa de Quinn (or chez Quinn for all my legions of loyal but silent French Canadian lurkers). Nothing life threatening, just taking a major beat down by some masked freak in spandex, jumping off the top rope wielding a metal folding chair. You know, normal chaos.

So it's got me to thinking, which with me, you never know where the heck this will go. Usually nowhere good. And here are the fruits of my ruminations - The Merits of the Mullet.

I have now determined that there are some nice benefits to be reaped by sporting a mullet. You don't even have to really get it done. They sell mullet wigs now. All you'd have to do is show up in public with one of these bad boys nailed to your noggin.

Righteous, huh?

So here, in no particular order are the merits and virtues of the mullet as I see them.

1. No one expects anything from you.
2. You can get away with any degree of laziness.
3. You are not expected to be a productive member of society.
4. Any number of carny jobs are yours for the taking. (and really, do I need to enumerate the endless amounts of perks that go along with carny work? I didn't think so.)
5. You can wear the same clothes for days and no one will look twice at you.
6. "All business up front. Party in the back."

7. You can write nothing for over a month and no one notices.
8. No one believes that a mullet wearer can actually write at all.
9. It's completely assumed that your greatest accomplishment is clearing the lint from your navel.
10. Mullet equals magnificence.

You didn't think I could come up with ten, did you? Yeah, I know. Some of those merits seem almost the same, but hey, what did you expect? I have a mullet. (You just can't see it under the pointy hat.)

And Now...
Mutton Chops- A Closer Look At The Sideburn

Today we take a closer look at a very popular expression of male facial hair as we delve into the mutton chop. This in depth analysis of one of the many different categories of male facial hair builds on my previous homage to the art of the sideburn.

Mutton chops are long, sometimes bushy, sideburns that reach either the jawline or connect to a mustache. They can be trimmed and stylized in any number of ways. As such.

pic from brooklyndaily.com
It has been my experience that if a man has mutton chops, there are only four occupations he is able to hold.

1. Elvis impersonator.

Elvis did right by the mutton chop in the seventies.

 And the impersonators know it. Have a look.

pic from lasvegassun.com

2. Lumberjack
I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay . . . with my mutton chops.

3. Motorcycle gang member
But let it be known that a mutton chop wearing member cannot rise in the hierarchy above the level of "thug". Leaders must make special facial hair concessions and have either a ZZ Top beard or a Fu Manchu mustache.

4. Horror film hillbilly extra #6

 One through five being taken by other men with bushy beards or very scraggly mustaches.

So that's it on the mutton chop except to declare them magnificent. (Just like the mullet) And to prove my point, I leave you with this.

Nothing but mutton chops, baby!

Which career path would you choose if mutton chops adorned your mug?


debi o'neille said...

I enjoyed your post. I once saw a picture of Blake Sheldon (country singer) with a mullet 'do in the 80s. :-)
Deb@ http://debioneille.blogspot.com

Mina Burrows said...

Okay. Stop. Laughing so hard right now. Mullets rule! The stomach flint one had me rolling.

Julie Flanders said...

LOL LOL I started laughing at any carny jobs are yours for the taking and basically didn't stop until the end. Love the hillbilly extra LOL.

randi lee said...

Ava--I did NOT stop laughing for several minutes! I love your posts and your point of view. You're just so unique, creative and individualistic. You have a forever fan, here!

Liz Blocker said...

Love that you snuck in that naked pic of Hugh at the end...I will never complain about that! ;)

So, obviously I now need a mullet. Right?? I mean, I'm so good at picking the lint from my navel...

Pat Hatt said...

LOL those mullets up close will surely make all go blind

Marci Koski said...

Lovely lovely lovely!!! Another outstanding post, Ava! As I'm on my government work computer, you know, working, I can't visit the site to check if it even still exists, but my friends and I used to spend quite a bit of time mocking the people featured on www.mulletsgalore.com. I haven't seen the website in a while (they started featuring "porn mullets" which had disturbingly become very prevalent on the site), but it might be worth a chuckle to see what's up there. I'll check into it when I get home, but you're free to do your own research in the meantime (if you dare). marci :D

Sherry Ellis said...

You've convinced me. I need a mullet!

Andrea said...

I see no other option to cement my current lot in life than to go mullet!

Sophie Duncan said...

Mutton chop vs mullet - LOL!
Sophie's Thoughts & Fumbles - A to Z Ghosts
Fantasy Boys XXX - A to Z Drabblerotic

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

I can only say MacGyver!!! And Wolverine!!

Crystal Collier said...

LOL! So if I ever decide to become a lazy, nothing-expected layabout, I'll grow me a mullet. *gagging*

True Heroes from A to Z

Jenna,Mark Drady said...

hahaha!!!! That is so hilarious!
Great post! I always smile when I stop by here!!!!
ღ husky hugz ღ frum our pack at Love is being owned by a husky!

Cheryl said...

Way too funny. I can't even stop laughing long enough to post something coherent.

Lexa Cain said...

If I had a mullet and mutton chops (and was male), the obvious occupational choice would be -- Sex God! (Who is so multi-talented he can play jaw harp as well as cleaning the lint out of his belly button!)

Comley Charlotte said...

So funny. A really interesting post. Thank you so much, nice to follow and connect through atozchallenge.

Natasha Duncan-Drake said...

Mullets - *shudders at memories of the 80s* You forgot professional historical re-enactor for mutton chop possible careers :)
Tasha's Thinkings - AtoZ (Vampires)
FB3X - AtoZ (Erotic Drabbles)

Ava Quinn said...

@Debi- Thanks! Ahh, the 80S. That magical time when mullets abounded!

@Mina- lol! Thanks!

@Julie- Glad you liked it! :)

@randi lee- lol! Stop! I'm blushing! lol!

@Liz- You noticed that, I see... lol. And yes, that is the main prerequisite behavior for a mullet. If you've got that down, then it's mullet city for you, girl!

@Pat- You said it!

@Marci- Now I HAVE to go check that out. Mullet porn? Why didn't I think of that?!?! lol!

@Sherry- I think you'd look very becoming in one. ;D

@Andrea- It relieves all your worries
to be a mullet wearer. I highly recommend it.

@Sophie ;)

@Sue- You said a mouthful! Poster boys for the mullet and mutton chops.

@Crystal- Absolutely!!

@Jenna- I'm so glad!

@Cheryl- Thanks! :)

@Lexa And you would be irresistible! A force of nature with your own gravitational pull for the opposite sex! lol!

@Charlotte- Thanks for stopping by and following! :)

@Tasha` YOU"RE RIGHT!! Dang it! Now I have to go back and rewrite...

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