Saturday, April 26, 2014

AtoZ Witnesses of the Jehovah Kind

Hi again all my new AtoZ friends! I'm Ava and I'm bringing you up to speed with some of my menagerie of mayhem around here at Tongue In Cheek by giving you a bunch of crazy reruns.  Back in 2009 I acquired a zealot who made house calls and who wouldn't take no for an answer. She persisted to try and save me three times. Below you will find the transcripts of each altercation. Enjoy!


So I'm at home on this rainy Tuesday, feeling sick. (Big frickin' surprise, I've been sick since the beginning of March.) And there's a tentative knock on my only-used-by-strangers front door that is semi blocked by crap and only opens half-way. The dogs go ballistic, and I get ready for the inevitable.

Yes. It's the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Now, I'm usually a polite person. They're following their doctrine, and I can respect that. But when the person you're trying to convert is hacking all over you and not inviting you in and trying politely to let you know that they're not interested and holding back the hounds of hell so they don't tear your throat out and is not feeling well, STFU and leave them be!

Now, not only do they not shut up, and I can't shut the door because then one of my dogs would get cut in half, but they wrap up their spiel trying to elicit a promise from me that I'll read over their pamphlet and talk to them about it when I'm done.


Don't come to my house and assign me frickin' homework! WTH?! Do you think you're going to administer a pop quiz when you get back? The woman actually said, "I want you to promise me that you'll read over this literature so when we come back we can discuss it."

Lady, are you fucking nuts? If you do come back, I don't care about the busy road in front of my house, I'm releasing the hounds. Do you really think I want to discuss anything with a person so driven by doctrine that you have no common sense or courtesy for the sick? Do you really think I want to choose my faith from a door to door salesman? Do you really believe that because I'm a polite person and didn't back you off my property with a gun in your face that I'm going to invite you in for a coffee clatch about your propoganda rag?

Suffice it to say, nice ended and snarky stepped up. I replied, "If you do come back, you'd better bring some different wares to sell because I ain't buying what you're shilling now." And shut the door.

Yeah, I'm going to Hell, but I knew that way before they hit my front porch.

Hello, Satan

"Hello, Satan? Yes, I'd like to book a table."

"At the moment, for one, but you may want to keep a few chairs handy, I think I might be joined by some friends."

"Yeah. Ok. I'd like it to be in the non-smoking section, please."

"Oh. There isn't a non-smoking section. All right. Hmmm. Could it be in a quiet, corner? Maybe something a little intimate and cozy?"

"Yes, as far away from the screaming and fiery pits as possible would be nice. Thanks."

"Okay. See you then!"

Yes the Jehovah's Witnesses were back. Don't worry. I dispatched them quickly. No, not under the loose boards of my porch.

The sad thing is, I don't think I've seen the last of her. I'm getting the feeling she's attached herself like a pit bull to my ass. Like I'm some pet project. I'll fix her. Even if I have to turn the hose on her.

Damn, I wish I had those flying monkeys.

Can You Believe It?!?

The Jehovah's Witnesses came back! AGAIN! They were just here. I, in polite but no uncertain terms, told them not to darken my door ever again.

The woman had the audacity to tell me that I asked her to come back! Now, what person in their right mind would ask the JW's to come back? Seriously? Who? Especially at nine o'clock in the morning! If you've been following the saga,(here and here) you know I definitely did not.

So now some delusional zealot is out there unleashed on the unsuspecting populace, knocking on doors in her sensible shoes, and pestering others.

Hmmm. I'm okay with that, I've taken my share of abuse. It's time to spread it around a little. In fact, I gave her Vicki and Natalie's addresses, and told her they would love to sit and chat with her.

Well, gotta go. I'm too busy laughing evilly and rubbing my hands together to type any more. Have a good weekend!


Pat Hatt said...

I slam the door in their face at the beginning, see you in hell.

40Plus Teenager said...

lol, I know the feeling, I've given up being polite, and just say 'not interested read sign' then close the door. I've a sign on the window by the door that says 'witches parking only, all others will be toad'...seems to have worked so far...knock on wood. Booking a table for two in your section

Lexa Cain said...

I never realized that women went around proselytizing for the JW. I've only seen men. What woman in her right mind would go around to strange houses and ASK to be invited in? How delightful for the neighborhood serial killer. It's like room service bringing his meal right to his door. ;)

Susan Gourley/Kelley said...

We're so far out in the country, we seldom have them knocking on our door. My parents used to have them visit quite often.

Ava Quinn said...

@Pat- I'll keep a chair warm for you. Though that's probably pretty easy in Hell.

@40+ lol! Very effective indeed.

@Lexa- HAAAAA! ROTFLMAO!! room service for serial killers! Love it!

@Sue- Lucky you! Unlucky them!

Lynda Dietz said...

We had a group that must have seen us as a friendly training ground for some reason, because they'd come once every few weeks. The men would wait in the car and the women would come to the door: the same woman with a woman trainee who was different each time. I think the very first time they visited, one man & one woman came to the door, and according to which gender answers, that's who comes to the door next time. I hate to be rude, but I finally asked them why they would bother coming since they were well aware of my position and it was never going to change. They still kept coming until we stopped answering the door (and it was obvious that we were home). Ugh.

Sunday Visitor said...

I've had two similar experiences and I politely tried to extricate myself from the situation. they should get an award for Persistence.

Delynn Royer said...

We have visitors occasionally and it never seems like a good time. It's usually Saturday mornings, which means interrupting my prime writing time. Sometimes I'm still in my robe or I'm dressed in my bum clothes, hair is a mess, and I'm in the middle of a Big Scene. Doorbell rings, dog goes ballistic... Not a pretty picture.

Sophie Duncan said...

You gotta admire the JW's for their persistence - they even used to come to our house, I think they might have earned extra brownie points for converting the local vicar (Church of England Priest). :)
Sophie's Thoughts & Fumbles - A to Z Ghosts
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Stephanie Faris said...


My mom was married to someone who had been disfellowshipped. (Not hard--you can be disfellowshipped by having a blood transfusion, apparently.) So, one day they came to her door and she said, "Oh, it's great you came by. My husband wants to talk to you. He was disfellowshipped and he--"

She never got to say another word. They took off like their butts were on fire. Try it next time! Apparently they can get in big trouble for speaking to someone who has been disfellowshipped...

Liz Blocker said...

Hmm, do you think you could call Satan and ask if they can add another seat to your table? I mean, we might as well have some laughs if we're going to be there for eternity, right??

Julia said...

I had experiences with Jehovah's Witnesses as a kid because my family attended the services, and these were not good ones. I remember when I started kindergarten my mom told me I was not supposed to say the flag salute because Witnesses do not believe in that, and what a way to make a kid stand out. When the other kids got to go watch a movie about a witch with the neighboring kindergarten class, I had to sit in our classroom alone and read a book about a chicken. That is what my teacher told me to, and I think today parents would be horrified about a kid being made to sit alone in a room like that. My mom might not have wanted me to participate, but she did not want me to be isolated.

After this event I started vocally expressing my displeasure with thi religion with my mom. I did not want to be part of a group that told me I could not have fun like other kids, and as a five year old I had not vested interest in it. So we kept going for a few years, but my mom finally left when we discovered how contradictory some members were. The whole time we followed their rules about no holiday celebrations, and other families just did these behind close doors.

Anyway, I remember how the JW people would always come to our house and try to get my mom to come back. I became very vocal once at the grocery store when one lady started telling me the devil was in the flame of candles on a birthday cake. I was eight and remember laughing, and told her cakes are fun, and we did not want to give up birthdays for her. She made some offhanded comment about how "Well I have fun just drinking coco with my grandson." My mom was not pleased I talked back to an adult this way, even if we were no longer part of that church, but it made me feel cathartic.

Anyway, a few years ago I wrote a blog about all the weird experiences I had with witnesses, and I got many supportive comments. However, my blog was targeted by witnesses who did not want it online, and one lady told me it was taking people away from god, and implied I was satan. I emailed her and told her you know that is not a very nice thing to say, and there is something called freedom of speech on the Internet. Her reply was she was not mean to say what she said because she was a good woman for following Jehovah, and how evil I was. So anyway I took the blog post down because it had served its purpose by that point, and I was tired of getting random comments from JW people who felt my simple story was leading people astray. I am not a big fan of any organized religions, but the preachy ones tend to be the most contradictory. The JW people have changed how many times the world was going to end when their predictions did not firm up. Their founder Charles Taze Russell had a weird marriage where he would not even kiss with his wife, but she decided to divorce when she came home one day and found him making out with the sixteen year old girl they allowed to live with them. There is a lot of weird things in that religion, and it is just amusing how often it has changed and evolved. They also thought college was evil at one time, and I remember reading about that in one of their books when they were trying to get us to come back.

Natasha Duncan-Drake said...

LOL - I had the Jehovah's Witnesses come to my door the other day - I was very polite until they tried to suggest I did not know what I was talking about when it came to the bible and what's in it. My father is a theologian, I've been brought up talking about the magic numbers, the symbolic nature of parts of the stories and why half of it contradicts the other half. They don't have to agree with me, but implying I am making it up made me rather short with them.
Tasha's Thinkings - AtoZ (Vampires)
FB3X - AtoZ (Erotic Drabbles)

Andrew Leon said...

These days, I mostly just tell them (and the Mormons) that I'm not interested and shut the door in their faces; however, back in the day, I used to invite them in to tell them how their religion was really a cult. Oddly enough, they would all turn me down at that point and leave.

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